Subscribe Via RSSPreventing the Adult Aspie Meltdown
Over the weekend, I experienced the adult equivalent of the aspie meltdown. As a young child, I couldn’t be taken out to settings like restaurants due to the noise and crowds. My family had to arrange for someone to stay home with me while everyone else went out.
Although I’ve recovered enough to be able to teach children, for some reason concerts, bars, markets, and loud restaurants still get the best of me. Just as many NT adults don’t know what to make of a child having a meltdown, they completely misunderstand an aspie adult trying hard to control a meltdown. It starts with irritation that gets more and more severe. It becomes hard to resist telling people when they’re being flat out offensive. (Let me tell you that trademark aspie honesty, brawny men, and alcohol don’t mix.) I just know I need to get out of there, away from the crowds and the noise, because I want to scream, but of course this is happening in a deafeningly loud setting where I’m completely trapped.
A child may have his parents to mediate the situation, but what steps can you take as an adult?
- Monitor your mood every 5 minutes when in loud or crowded places if these are sensory triggers.
- Ask your companion in advance to take you outside if you seem irritated.
- Don’t force yourself to stay at an event for hours just to make everyone happy. Showing up can be enough.
- Have a goal to accomplish or something to keep you distracted. Someone who will keep you laughing would be a great companion to bring.
- Plan breaks at intervals where you can be away from the stimuli and look at something pleasant. Take a quiet walk if you need to, or sit on a bench. Just get away.
- Keep a photo of your pet in your wallet if you have a close, soothing bond with your pet. When you feel yourself getting irritated, pull out the photo and smile. Yes, I’m telling you to physically smile!
Post your comments
Currently Reading
Elsewhere
13 Responses
Also, find something inconspicuous upon which to stim: i.e. count tables in the restaurant, try to find objects around that are blue, etc.
Hum softly to yourself, just loudly enough that it fills your ears without distracting others around you.
Just my two cents!
Stims, yes! I wonder if men have a little more leeway than women, as women are expected to conform to very specific social rules. No one cares much if my husband is looking at the ceiling and in his own world, but if I’m not keeping up with the conversation and laughing they wonder what planet I’m from.
Break the social conventions! Alright, yes, I am a male, so maybe this is an easy subject for me to approach. I also admit that I’ve accepted that I’m human, or at least that I share many of the same physical characteristics of those other humans that I see around me. But I also like to think that I’m not human, that I am from another planet, in a metaphorical sense. I’m not an aspie (nor an NT, if you will – I like to think of myself as an NF: neurofunky), but I can relate to some of the social impediments that I read about. I love staring off in to space in public, and I think everyone – no matter the gender – should be able to enjoy doing so in peace, no matter the circumstances!
I agree that if you’re a man, you’re allowed to “space out”. But when you’re a woman you’re kind of allowed to get uptight and throw a bitch fit. You can always blame your period. When I get overstimulated I turn into Norma Desmond and it looks a little freaky coming from a 6′3″, broad shouldered man.
From my perspective it doesn’t seem much different, although that could just be me. I’ve started to think that I have a pretty significant auditory processing issue. My ex wife still “doesn’t get it” and I’ve found myself frequently in that situation of people giving me hairy eyeballs because I lost track of a conversation.
For those of us with auditory processing issues, it’s probably a good idea to try not to have important conversations in places with background noise. I know that I’m never going to find out anything interesting about anyone at a party because I’ll miss the whole conversation! I’ll just smile when it looks appropriate.
Do you think that kind of thing contributes to why we supposedly don’t learn social rules as children? How can I learn to be part of a conversation when I can’t even hear it?
It certainly wouldn’t surprise me if it’s a contributing factor. My sister was visiting us in Dallas here recently and we were talking about how we grew up. My sister is neurotypical as far as I can tell and has said that her son reminds me a lot of growing up with me (and with our father).
One thing in particular she mentioned was that when we were younger she would often have to call my name several times to get my attention. At about the 3rd or 4th time I would turn around and say “what?” and she said she could tell from the expression on my face that I’d only heard it that last time. So it wasn’t that I was ignoring her (or anyone else), but rather that I simply wasn’t hearing most things if they weren’t inside my field of focus. Today Tiffany often still has to call me several times before I hear her.
I know too that my parents had my hearing tested and responded normally when given the hearing test, although Temple Grandin has pointed out that a standard hearing test won’t tell you anything at all about fidelity. I notice more often now that I have difficulty following conversations on TV shows, particularly that the cadence of the dialogue seems rather fast such that I’m often still trying to figure out something that was said a moment ago while still trying to listen to what’s being said right now. So that too might make it more challenging for me to pick up on social cues that are supposed to be delivered in sync if I’m trying to catch-up to the conversation.
Another tip: earplugs. I recently got some that are supposed to let conversation through but dim everything above 80 dB, and they work wonderfully. (Don’t want to be a walking advertisement for them here; I reviewed them on my blog if anyone’s interested.)
I’ve tried the plugs in several situations now, including stores and a party, and they’re great. All the physically painful sounds, plus all the irritation-inducing ones, get muffled to a level that works for me, and I can follow conversation as well as I ever could. I’ve noticed that my stress level during and after a noisy event is much lower when I’ve worn the plugs.
I still have meltdowns, and those that are just from overstimulation of the auditory kind, I can handle just by engaging in everyday kinds of stims, like twisting my feet and/or hands where it’s relatively inconspicuous. My big problem in life is that if emotionally overstimulated, I can have meltdowns that I can’t control, in public, which may involve weeping and shaking, flapping, etc. Of course it’s not often that I find myself being emotionally overstimulated in public, fortunately, but sometimes it can be the memory of something current in my life which is intrusive enough to follow me out into the world so to speak.
I am glad I found your blog. I have a 25 yo aspie son. I have found it difficult to find all of the help we need. Would you share about how you deal with situations that dreg up old emotions, such as facing someone who has hurt you in the past. We had a confrontation with a hateful neighbor that nearly landed him in jail because he went off on her. He has never lashed out at anyone physically but he does verbally. Any suggestions?
I’d like to know how an adult female can get a diagnosis of Asperger’s…From everything I’ve read I would say I have it…but everyone around me says I act normal. Did I learn enough to just fool everyone?
Christmas time is coming and the crowds in stores this time of year with music blaring is usually too much for me. I go in, get what I want and leave. But I am still super stressed.
I’m also finding it hard to live in my apartment…noisy neighbors are driving me crazy.
I also usually ‘tune out’ when super stressed and miss conversations. One of my ’stims’ is rubbing my fingernail between two fingers on my other hand. No one seems to notice.
I also want to add that having a child has been ALOT harder than I thought…esp since I think she is an aspie too. But at least I understand when she says something is too loud and I know not to punish her for meltdowns in the store (holding her usually is the best thing for those)
I’m sorry if I rambled on too much. It is nice to meet all of you and hear your stories.
I can relate to so much of what you’ve said! I can’t go to stores at Christmas time, i just get so confused that i’m in danger of sitting down and crying…
I’m glad you are able to understand your daughter and hold her; my mom would just stand there and look at me, confused (she believes now that she’s on the spectrum too) and i didn’t do much differently with my son, i’m afraid (and sad) to say.
I also do the fingernail stim. I have double-jointed fingers, and i will pull my pinkie finger over underneath my other fingers and squeeze the fingernail between first finger and thumb. I also bounce my foot under the table if i’m sitting. I only rock when i’m alone, mostly. I grind my teeth, have done since as long as i can remember. I have a pic my dad took when i was two where i’m standing there looking at him grinding away, with a big grin, too! Little did anyone know what damage that would cause.
I would say, find a clinical psychologist who is knowledgeable about spectrum issues, or willing to work on learning along the way. Find one who is sensitive to women’s issues, as well. I found mine through a friend who used to work at Women At Risk, and women’s support groups can be a good place to start looking! My psychologist is a man, but he’s very sensitive and supportive.
That’s not to say that’s the exception among male psychologists, or that females are never insensitive or incompetent. I have found it rare to find a male psych who was as sensitive as he is.