4 Steps to Being More Assertive

There are times when you can say “so what” and let something go.  There are other times when you need to speak up, whether it’s to defend yourself or to come to an agreement.  If you feel like you’re not being heard, you’re not alone.

Why is it that others can express themselves so effortlessly and have people understand?  Meanwhile so many of us on the spectrum struggle to be heard, going to great lengths to cry out for help and sometimes just giving up altogether.

One thing that successful communicators seem to do is assert themselves well.  When bringing up a conflict, they’re able to engage the other person without alienating them and then make sure they produce results.  How can we replicate that?  I came across a short acronym that breaks down the steps:

D – Describe the facts. No blaming or finger pointing.

E – Express how you feel. Use “I” statements, not “you”.

S – State what you want or need. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.

K – Know the possible outcomes. Understand the range of responses the other person could have. (Speaking as an aspie, I know I tend to imagine the other person thinking things through using my logic – this is our flawed theory of mind at work.  You have to tell yourself first that they don’t see it your way and then ask how that person might react given what you know about them.)

So as an example, I’ll take an ongoing situation at my home with my things being moved around by my spouse.  Since I depend on sameness and routine, it bothers me a good deal when my things are moved!  How should I approach him according to D.E.S.K.?

D – Having objects in a consistent place is very important to me because I rely on routine. It’s also a big deal to me because my mother used to hide things to show she was “smarter” than me.

E – I feel lost and panicked when I go to look for something and it’s not there.

S – I’d appreciate it if you could keep things where I put them or tell me where you’re moving something and give me a chance to see it.

K – At this point, my husband could say 1) Sure 2) That’s too much work for me 3) What’s wrong with you.  If he has a bad attitude about it and won’t come up with a compromise, I can say “so what” and get containers for my things that he can’t touch.  It’s good to plan ahead mentally for this possibility because the rejection hurts less.