Subscribe Via RSSHow Do Aspies Make Parenting Work?
I’ve been so amazed at the response to my previous post about aspies in relationships! Okay, now that I’ve found you guys, I have a question for you. Those of you who’ve been married for a while or have been married, do you have kids?
In a perfect world I would have lots of farm land and a whole herd of Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, Bichons, and Cocker Spaniels for Molly to play with. And a big meaty bulldog named Angus for R to drag around. Not sure about the kids, though.
How did you raise kids and keep your sanity and relationship intact? Or did you choose not to? (I know some of you have answered a question like this before…if you don’t mind I’d love to hear your thoughts again!) If you’re not at that point in life yet, do you think you’ll ever have kids?
26 Responses
21 years and no kids. there isn’t room for them. 2 cats is all we can handle. I like kids. I work with them professionally, but i want them to go home to a parent who will not be overloaded by them. very good friends of ours are just like that… unflappable.
An aspie parent I think needs either a partner who can handle the emotional load, or has very different issues with sensory integration, or quiet kids. I’d like to hear how aspies pull it off.
After working with kids I think I could possibly handle 1 in the evenings, but I worry a great deal about my husband’s ability to deal with the sensory issue. He gets so upset about our dog (who he adores) as it is.
I’m not sure I can do it and also maintain a marriage if the other person is going to have such a tough time with the parenting.
I am 24, my fiancé is 32, but we haven’t figured out it yet. I think that he’d make a good father, because he can put aside his obsessions very well if he has to, but I’m not sure if I could handle even one kid.
Besides, it takes a lot of energy to behave emphatically towards my fiancé, I afraid I just don’t have any more “resources” left for other people.
It’s very hard. I didn’t know I was autistic until I was 36, and by then I had three children. Especially when my children were very young, I had a tremendously difficult time managing. The 24/7 physical parenting with sensory issues, no time alone, anxiety over safety and managing everything….it was very, very tough. I was on the brink of suicide more than once, all because I had way too much on my plate. If I’d known I was autistic when I was a teenager, who knows…I may have decided never to have children.
We do pretty well now because (a) my kids are getting older (except for the early 40s surprise, now almost a year and a half old) and, mainly, (b) my husband can take a lot, and handles school events and getting the kids ready for school in the chaotic, cacophonous mornings (while I am safely upstairs where it’s quiet and calm). He also makes a point of taking them for a couple of hours in the afternoon whenever he can, which gives me another “recharge” moment.
All that said, I love my children and my husband dearly, and I’m glad they’re in my life. I can’t imagine having to live without them–though if I’d chosen not to ever start a family, I guess I wouldn’t know what I was missing.
I probably don’t have to point this out, but my husband is the kind of spouse Jason described: he loves kids, can handle the emotional and physical load, and is very understanding and supportive of me. I couldn’t do it a tenth as well without him. I agree with Jason that an Aspie / autie needs a partner who complements him or her in that regard.
I think that it always depends on the particular person on the spectrum. I have a good friend in my country, an Aspergian woman who does excellently — as a single mom! She’s really amazing, and her kids (2 boys, both on the spectrum) love her very much. I think the reason might be that she has such sensory etc. issues that are “compatible” with having children.
BTW I myself don’t have sensory issues, but I still think that having no alone time and the lack of organizing skills would cause me a lot of problems.
It’s really interesting to see how there are different types of sensory issues and some might make it more or less tolerable to be around children.
I can ignore noises from children and dogs; it’s the sight of many people moving combined with echoes of conversations that drive me crazy. Meanwhile, my husband is just the opposite and can’t tolerate single noises that pierce the silence. We’ve always said that if we ever had children we would only have one because we couldn’t have more noise or running around in our home than that.
Sandy — you guys should have a kid.
Sandy
You guys should have a kid.
I know…it’s hard to look at how funny the two of us are and not want to have another being in the world like us.
big sigh.
Yes, we had kids. For us, as and for many other older aspies, it’s actually the act of having your kids diagnosed that leads to adult diagnosis. My wife and I had kids after 3 years of marriage (and 13 years of going out together – we were high-school sweethearts).
Our first child turned our calm marriage into a battleground and we almost split up. Luckily (and with a lot of hard work and expert help) we managed to turn things around. So much so that we had our second child three years later.
We were prepared for him but it was still very difficult.
I can’t imagine a life without kids now. Sure, both have aspergers and both are a handful at the best of times but with one aspie parent and one NT parent, we’re confident that we can give them the best life possible.
We have two boys. Our oldest is an Aspie and through his diagnosis, my husband found the name for his quirkiness also.
Our youngest son hasn’t been diagnosed, but he displays a lot of Aspie qualities. I am neurotypical.
Having children, while very challenging, has helped me become a more flexible thinker, less judgmental and very, very patient. My husband and I could have been ripped apart by this new development, but it has only made us closer. We each bring a different perspective and we have learned to appreciate our differences and turn them into strengths.
Same here. I’ve got 2 children, both on the spectrum (classical PPD-NOS and AS), and through their diagnoses I discovered that not only do I have AS but so does my dad and probably many of his family members. The apple certainly doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Yes, it can be difficult – REALLY difficult – particularly as a mum with AS. Fathers don’t have quite the same social expectations & hands-on experiences that mothers get. On the flipside, being forced to step outside my comfort zone has actually been good for me. Character-building and all that.
I also feel that I sometimes have more insight into my children’s behavioural “quirks” than other NT parents.
Like Gavin, I can’t imagine my life without children and I really don’t wish to ponder what might’ve been if I’d discovered AS ahead of time.
When my Daughter was 2 she was diagnosed with ‘borderline autism’. I had no idea what it meant except social worker sent us on our way with “try putting her in daycare for social skills”. Since then I was on a mission. I was not going to torture my over sensitive child with a loud noisy daycare! SO, I have read and studied and done things myself! In the process, I am 99% sure she will be an Aspie AND that I am one too. LOL My dr just thinks I have an anxiety disorder…could be, but looking at the Aspie traits- it was a perfect picture of me as a child and I have learned to cope with stuff myself. (so it makes it hard to get a diagnosis in adulthood?) Things that I am learning to help her, also help me. My girl will be 3 in Oct…We are hanging in there.
PS I did better with her when my hubby was around more…now his new job has him working crazy hours and he is barely here. This has put a strain on me which I am trying to handle- but I am taking it out on hubby. We’ll see…
Hi Michelle, I hope you’ll seek a diagnosis – try to find a clinical psychologist who is knowledgeable in the area, or as in our area, it may be possible to get an adult diagnosis from or through a local treatment center that’s primarily geared toward children. A GP can’t correctly make a call on an adult developmental disorder, and Anxiety disorders are often comorbid with ASDs. I received a diagnosis at the age of 53, and it has helped me in getting treatment focused specifically on issues that adults with AS have to deal with. Late, but better late that never! At any rate, if it can help you in obtaining parenting help, and in not taking things out on your husband, that’ll be a priceless benefit!
I’m 54, and only diagnosed 10 months ago, in fact. I didn’t succeed in raising my son beyond the age of ten: i was able to tune out all the noise when he was younger (after all, this is how i had handled my APD all my life – just shut EVERYTHING out!), but when his behavioral issues started to get out of hand, i just began to feel confused and overwhelmed, and i asked his father to take him. Then after a while i began to regret that, but when i finished school and began to find that i was not capable of holding jobs or keeping myself out of bad situations, i realized eventually that it had been the right choice. We maintained a good relationship just the same until he married a woman who judged me severely for this, and really started to WORK on him about it, and that has caused difficulties…
I’m an Aspie married to a NT. We have two NT kids, ages 6 and 4. I’m 33 and was just diagnosed a few months ago. I will admit that I do struggle in certain areas. For instance, housekeeping is tricky for me. I also need alone time a little bit each day so I can recharge. And if someone touches me when I don’t see it coming, I do flinch. Working outside the home is terribly difficult for me.
I love my kids and I’m so blessed to have them. Like everything else in life, I needed time to adjust but it’s well worth it IMO.
Where was the post where you asked about relationships? I looked for it and couldn’t find it. That’s what interests me the most. (I am a non-Aspie dating someone with Asperger’s syndrome. But I think my dad may have it. And some of his issues are not unfamiliar to me.)
I can’t remember exactly what it was but it may not be up anymore. I’m actually planning a post on a similar topic this week so I hope it’ll be helpful to you!
Oh, good! Thanks! I am also having him read your blog.
These posts *really* hooked me.
http://www.aspieteacher.com/2010/04/when-you-misunderstand/
http://www.aspieteacher.com/2010/03/auditory-processing-creeps/
I cannot even tell you how many times I’ve said one thing, I thought perfectly clearly, and he’s heard and understood another.
Can I ask a question to the assembled, hopefully one that is not going to be judged harshly for being a horrible one to ask? I ask out of genuine curiosity and confusion, and nothing more.
Do any/some/most/all Aspies want to have Aspie kids? I guess I am theoretically neuro-typical (as far as anyone is aware), but I have plenty of my own neurological/sensory quirks, and I kind of want to one day have kids who have fewer quirks than I, to make their way in the world somewhat easier than mine has sometimes been. I get the impression that some Aspies don’t feel that way, and I find that perplexing.
Thoughts? Thanks!
I think asparenting.com could explain this to you much better than I could. But I’ll give it a shot.
1) Not everyone on the autism spectrum wants to have children, but many do and go on to be loving parents.
2) Often we gravitate to people most like ourselves, and part of wanting children involves wanting to pass on a little bit of who we are.
3) After a lifetime of learning to self-advocate, someone on the spectrum may feel that they are prepared to parent a child with “quirks” (or beyond that, more severe disabilities).
I hope this helps!
Thanks everyone! This is all very interesting.
Sandy, I took your #1 as a given. I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear.
Your #2 makes the most sense to me. I’m still grappling with why someone who has Asperger’s would chose to mainly define/identify him/herself that way. It just forms such a core of people’s self-identity, in ways that my non-neurotypical quirks don’t. (I know that it’s more than a quirk. I think mine are more quirk-like.)
As far as your #3 goes, I understand being willing to parent a child with Asperger’s. Of course. I have more difficulty with something I have encountered where people might prefer that their children have Asperger’s over being neurotypical. That is what is most perplexing to me. Maybe I’m making the whole thing up, or this is just one person’s outside-the-box opinion and not, uh, a typical attitude.
It’s difficult to make a general statement about “any/most/all Aspies”, because we’re also individual human beings with a spectrum of quirks and preferences – much like anyone else.
I can only speak for myself.
I never wanted a particular type of child. I just wanted a child.
It’s natural to want your child to have an easier time in the world (than you did, anyway), but I can also see the flip side of it – that there are some very positive things about being an Aspie. I know that world, so I don’t fear it.
I also strongly believe that some hardships are necessary evils. While some things in life were (and are) difficult for me, I believe I’m a better person for it.
So maybe it’s more accurate to say that I am OK with having an a child with special needs. I want others to accept me as I am.. why would I not do the same for my child?
(sorry if that doesn’t make much sense, I just woke up – but that’s my thought process!)
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That totally, 100% makes sense.
I agree that some hardships are necessary evils and that my own hardships have helped me grow and become a better, more empathic, all around groovier person. I just don’t think we really get to pick which hardships we or our (eventual, potential) kids get.
I think I would still want my children to be more typical than not. I mean, more typical than I. I will obviously take great joy and pleasure in whatever I end up, and also just want kids, without needing to cherry-pick for certain characteristics, but I would want to smooth their way in the world in ways in which my way was not smoothed.
Wow, that was convoluted.
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I guess my point was more about having the confidence that your children will be able to handle whatever challenges come their way. Because, you’re absolutely right, we don’t get to pick our hardships. On the other hand, if we considered all the worst possible things that could happen over any child’s lifetime, the human race would surely die out because no one would have children at all!
By the way, I do have kids – two boys, aged 5 and 3. Both on the autism spectrum. (surprise, surprise) I’ll say this much – whatever idea I had about parenting beforehand never matched reality. But it’s a good reality.
Of course, I say it only for myself – I don’t make that choice for anyone else.
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