Subscribe Via RSSSaying What’s Right Vs. What’s Important
As much as I try to learn the right things to say, I’m often aware that there are plenty of people who say all the right things yet come across as being so cold. They remind me that scripts can be a crutch when a person lacks spontaneous speech, but it’s also possible to say all the wrong things and still make a connection with someone as long as you see what’s important.
There’s a guy who works in my building and seemed quite charming at first. He greeted people by name, wore sharp suits, and noticed subtle things like haircuts. Then I noticed after a week or two, every time I said hello he wouldn’t even look up. I would say hi followed by his name, but all I got in return was a smirk. He could never bring himself to look in my direction or respond. Dude, all I wanted was a hello.
Every week we’ve been buying dog treats from this girl at the farmers market. After a few weeks I realized that she carries on conversations with other people and can’t even pause long enough to take our money from us! For people who are regular customers, she can’t even give us the time of day even when we’re paying her. Needless to say, we’ve decided never to go back.
There’s another man who works around the corner at the drugstore. He never says the right thing, and always makes you pause for a few seconds to figure out what he’s just said. If he gives you $2 in change, he’ll tell you it’s two hundred pennies. But you know what? I’ve come to like him. He never fails to wave and say hi when I’m in the store. If I buy a box of butter, he’ll ask me what I’m making. In a big impersonal city where no one sees anyone as an actual human being, he sees what really matters. Yeah, I see some people squirm when they interact with him. They want their perfect polished words, without feeling. It makes me laugh.
P.S. – Please see the correction I added in the comments. It’s been on my mind since yesterday that this post didn’t come out the way I meant for it to, so I had to add a clarification.
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6 Responses
I don’t really get this part: “There’s a guy who works in my building and seemed quite charming at first. He greeted people by name, wore sharp suits, and noticed subtle things like haircuts. Then I noticed after a week or two, every time I said hello he wouldn’t even look up.”
Do you know a reason, why was he so kind the first time, and then why was so rude?
Did this phenomenon depend on time or people? So, was he actually nice to everyone at first, and then as well as rude to everyone; or was he nice to specific people all the time, and only rude to you, and a few other people? Whatever is the case, do you know the reason of his behaviour?
I haven’t seen him around enough people to be able to answer that question completely, but it’s happening pretty consistently. He’s definitely lied to my face before, not realizing I already knew the truth. People like that are very sneaky and take advantage of the trust they build in you.
I HATE when people are blatantly rude for no good reason. Often times it’s some sort of prejudice unfortunately. Today I saw a girl try to hail a cab and had difficulty– meanwhile, when a cab pulled up and she saw that the driver was was wearing a turban, she waved the cab away and continued to hail a cab. Finally, out of frustration, since the cab looped around, she hailed it again. It was really really disgusting to watch such behavior! And, I know what you mean at the Farmer’s Market. Sometimes it makes me livid. That is why I love love love the goat cheese man at Rittenhouse on Saturday! He always says hello and LOVES talking about what he does no matter who you are!
That’s so mean what the girl was doing to the cab driver…and yet I can see it happening in this area. Isn’t it sad how people can be?
I try to avoid that Saturday market and find that the Headhouse market on Sunday tends to have a different crowd of farmers. Some of the Lancaster County farmers who may or may not sell at Rittenhouse have farming practices that make my stomach turn.
It’s interesting that you cite “what’s important” to be largely a function of unspoken communication; body language, attitude, vibe. This is the core of what many (but not all) Aspies have the most difficulty with, and also what we misinterpret in others.
I wonder if we collectively expect others to be unlike ourselves? A sort-of reversal of the “Aspie radar”, if you will. I’ve behaved like the building guy and the farmer’s market lady at various times, without realising it, but I know I’d probably react the same way as you did on the other side of the coin. Hmmm.
By the way, this is not intended as a criticism or anything. It’s just a thought I was having.
As soon as I wrote this post, I knew that I hadn’t said what I meant to say and felt pretty frustrated about this.
What I was trying to point out was that the first two people tend to be pretty polished and chatty and well-liked for saying the “right” things…but I can’t seem to make a connection because they make it clear that I’m not a person to them. I guess I’m not NT enough.
I can see that people don’t like the third person because he doesn’t always say what they want to hear, and he has all kinds of awkward movements and timings and words. But I like him because he has no prejudice and actually acknowledges my presence. I don’t need perfect words, sometimes I just want to feel like a human.
Vic, I’d agree with you…I’m sure I’ve inadvertently made people felt ignored without meaning to! Realizing how much it hurts and how even an awkward hello can make a person feel good makes me see that I don’t have to get it right…what’s important is that I make an effort.