Subscribe Via RSSWhy Can’t They Understand That I’m A Girl?
There’s a photo of me from my preschool graduation where I’m racing across the stage, clutching the diploma in my little hand. I’m wearing a dress, but that’s just about the only thing about me that says “girl”. I have a boy haircut and they’ve even lined me up with the boys for the ceremony, because god forbid I might mess up the girls’ row of long ringlets and curls. They made me stand in the back with the boys.
My whole life I’ve been amazed at the people, mostly women, who thought it was acceptable for them to be open about judging me for not being girly enough. They thought their gossip wouldn’t come back to me, or they’d just mock me to my face.
I’ll never forget the man I went to church with as a child who flat out told my dad I was ugly and unfeminine. Or the woman who made a comment to a friend about the same thing when I was standing right in front of her. When my parents confronted her, she said I couldn’t possibly know what I was talking about and probably misunderstood. My parents knew better and told her that their child was absolutely intelligent and I knew exactly what I was talking about so she better not insult me again. They explained to me later that she was probably very insecure inside and needed to direct it at someone else. I could see why she was insecure, so I let it go.
Even now, the looks other women give me make me feel self-conscious from time to time about the fact that I don’t wear nail polish or wear much makeup. I don’t like to blow-dry my hair. As much as I like to look at pictures of fashion, I dress for comfort. I dread baby showers and wedding showers, especially those involving “tea” and crown moulding. They make me want to start rocking or flapping.
In a moment of weakness I asked a co-worker about this, and begged her to tell me what I was doing wrong. She laughed at me and told me that if she had nails like mine she wouldn’t wear nail polish either! She showed me how she once injured a nail bed and felt compelled to paint over it for the rest of her life. Her advice was to appreciate the liberation I was blessed with and not let someone pressure me into doing something I don’t want to do.
All the people I’ve ever asked about this have told me the same thing: It’s about other people and their own insecurities. They point fingers at someone who is an easy target because they think it’ll take attention away from themselves. And they claim they are such nice people and I must have misunderstood, because they would never do that to anyone else.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy to just let it go. There are a lot of days when I get tired of letting it go, like when the other women in my building treat me like their little servant because I clearly don’t look or act like one of their peers. I am not a spoiled trust fund baby and draw the line at acting like one just to be accepted. I am me, I am a girl; why is that so hard for people to understand?
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19 Responses
for reasons I don’t wish to disclose, I chose to post this anonymously. I, too, have dealt with the consequences of breaking the unwritten rules of socially acceptable self presentation (many of them sexist and classist). these norms are driven by those with power and reinforced by the unthinking and cowardly submission of those without. sadly, the people who are most likely to say a mean thing or gossip about you (or other forms of punishment for choosing to express yourself on your own terms) are those who have most deeply internalised the rules. we see this in any context of oppression – there are always those who are too weak, ignorant or deluded to fight back. those people help to police and regulate oppressive norms. see the link to Judith Butler above. I think you’d like her work – she explains the roots of all of this in much more detail than I can.
I know how this goes.
I can’t wear nail polish because it feels heavy on my hands and I just want to get it OFF of me.
My hair is usually really short. I wear camo pants just about all the time because they have lots of pockets.
I had a friend who said, you dress bad and was fussing at me about my sneakers and my Dir en grey shirt I like wearing a lot.
She did give me some new clothes but I’m mostly comfortable in these camo pants or pajama pants. Something like that. And I don’t even have a lot of shoes. I don’t get all of those women who will spend 400 dollars on shoes! If I had that much money I’d buy some Neil Gaiman books, some CDs and maybe a decadent pair of headphones and a second hard drive. Or possibly another mp3 player if the one I’m going to get works well.
I hate shoes! And make-up and those nauseating pink and orange bags.
I also tend to be mistaken for a boy too.
Thing is, there’s lots of ways to be a woman which is what the world doesn’t understand. It doesn’t help that to get a job you got to go out in girly drag just to get folks to consider hiring you… It’s deeply annoying.
I had a look at your profile picture. You definitely do look like a girl.
I’m not sure what these girls done up to the nines, think they look like, but they’re not as sexy nor attractive as they seem to think…
I’d be horrified to have a teenage daughter that wanted to look like typical American pop star or model.
I’m sorry you got treated that way. I’ve seen your profile picture too and I can confirm – it’s about other people and their insecurities. You look like a girl.
The other thing that never ceases to amaze me is that these sorts of hurtful comments come from people in churches. These are the same people who keep hearing the line about not judging others and the come out with this kind of rubbish.
Nice to see your parents stood up for you. Surprisingly, not all parents do defend their children.
I knew you back then and you were no more “boy” than I was.
I paired up school skirts and knee high socks with superman velcro shoes. I say who cares what other people think. I still dress like a boy sometimes. I can’t help it. I just like my jeans, my t-shirts, and my tennis shoes too much to conform to what others think. And, I don’t let it bother me because there are things much more important to worry about in life. Am I happy? Yes. That’s all that matters. I pity the people who cant see beyond their own insecurities and who look down upon others because they are “different”. It makes it all the more clear that they simply are not happy… with themselves, or anyone else. I’m much better off just being me.
Also, I’ve seen your recent pictures… you’re beautiful! …and, you’re smart (I’ve always hated that about you!), …and you are very talented. And you are more girl than me!
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Honestly, I never got that vibe from you at all. Tomboy maybe, but totally girl.
I don’t wear makeup to work, do my nails at all (never had a manicure/pedicure and NEVER will), or blow dry my hair. I wear a de-facto uniform to work because it’s easier. And frankly, I couldn’t give a shit less what people think! My husband knows I like his peen and really that’s all that matters. He’s awesome. (Sorry, but I had to crack that joke)
An older coworker of mine nearing retirement came to me recently and when I joked about my uniform he became very serious. He said that he’s never understood why people spend lots of time dressing up to come to work. It’s JUST work, people! It made me feel better about not being girly.
I’m sorry people just don’t get it. Consider yourself enlightened.
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And sadly, this rapid need to ‘look good’ is why we have such high rates of anorexia! I never understood it, either.
You look very feminine. What are people on about?
Hey, wait, i don’t wear nail polish, blowdry my hair, or wear pink. I have never thought of myself as unfeminine. Well, I guess being a Smithie helps, but… My son has an aide at OT who is a wonderful, beautiful woman, but her choices mean that she is very gender-neutral- it is hard to determine, from looking at her, if she is male or female. They actually talk about this with kids in social skills groups, in discussing gender cues and how to ask someone about gender-related topics (ie, how do you ask, “Are you a boy or a girl?”) We realized my son actually had difficulty with gender cues- he just doesn’t care whether someone is a boy or a girl, as long as they are nice.
And I don’t really see much wrong with that.
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It’s not really that I actually look gender-neutral or ambiguous, but more that I’m a little too tomboyish for the barbies in some social circles.
oh my!
You hit a nerve.
I don’t know whether to cry or throw up.
This is a sucky reason to feel like a loser, like lower class, as if somehow one is dirt but that’s how it feels.
To this day whenever I have to walk past groups of girls, I cringe. I want to disappear. I probably don’t have to tell you how it feels if they happen to laugh as I pass.
It makes me feel disgusting.
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I come from the male side of the fence on this one. I received the same sorts of remarks about not being male enough when I was younger. What especially struck me is how you talked about the comments comming from peole at church. My experience was the same. Except Church was the only social circle away from the immediate family. I got little support from my parents. My father did not comment when people either just did not acknowledge me talked about how I was nice and cute. I remember my mother joking that she had wanted a girl. It has effected me deeply and I fight with identity issues even 30 years later. I have found that I some times attempt to over compensate for my fears of not being man a enough or quite honestly the sexual confusion that all this has created. So I have not taken care of myself and have dressed very much like a slob for many years. It has roots in me not really liking myself. Sometimes there are some tough questions to be asked about the way we present ourselves. If this is not a pride issue for you as it is for me then I aplogize. I would suggest a little experiment. Dress nice not more girly or barbie and not more male either. See what it does for you to present yourselve as something more. I am surprised how mch different I feel practicing grooming and wearing newer clothes. I do however worry that peole will see though me. But I am so extreme they are proably just happy that I wear more then one set of clothes a week. My post seems like it may be more about me then you but I hope it helps somehow.
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i posted this at “the aspie life”, i’ll put it here as well:
i struggle with the guy version of this constantly. it’s been a serious barrier to the development of friendships, relationships.
for example, i am heterosexual…have an active libido…but i loathe “guy talk”, absolutely hate it. and what happens when a group of guys are sitting around, discussing their sexual history, conquests? I sit…bored…trying not to overtly sigh. it’s beyond juvenine, so I can never play along.
anyway, if you’re a guy and you fail to contribute to these conversations, you’re generally perceived to be either a loser or gay or both.
there’s a certain vernacular guys employ when expressing status; and reciprocation of that vernacular is expected. failing to reciprocate results in punishment of some sort, usually exclusion, but always pejorative labeling ( loser, gay).
my conversation patterns never match up…which is great, i have zero interest in sounding like a juvenile moron, but the consequences are frustrating. the fact that i have to be verbally attacked, excluded, just because i failed to grunt and express the correct “guy” traits during one of their masculinity-affirming rituals.
this also pops up in that, not doing well socially, i.e. failing to maintain relationships, creates a certain stigma. i did not have girlfriends in my teens, during college, during my entire 20’s. very socially isolated. people misinterpreted this. guys are supposed to, if not date, at least talk about women, just generally express attraction for the opposite sex. my conversation never includes that sort of thing, as mentioned, it always feel creepy to talk that way, even though it’s socially acceptable…and my social deficits kept me from dating. so…since i was alone, not dating…and not breaking out the guy talk… many people assumed i was gay. had to hear this from family, friends, which was embarassing…it was particularly painful, one thanksgiving, when a cousin took me aside and, with some hostility, asked if i was a “fag”. it hurt, i was really angry about this. just frustrated with the stupidity of others, feeling trapped in this weird situation where i’m being punished for lacking signals that have no inherent value.
so. from my experience, asperger’s has a huge impact on gender traits, how they’re expressed, how they’re percieved by others.
thanks for focusing on this topic.
i AM a girl – and so we all female aspies ARE! i hate it when ppl use appearance to judge each other, but that is life aint it?
i was too often mistaken as a boy in my childhood, just becos i played with ‘boy toys’ – chemistry sets instead of make up palettes, caterpillars instead of fluffy soft toys, paintboxes instead of doll houses etc – but nobody can tell that by looking at me now… becos what they see is a well put together glamourous female… why? perhaps it started becos i wanted to ‘discover’ my own femininity, but soon it became an artistic project – i m an artist after all, always hv been… and turning myself into a fashionista glamour queen has all been part of the artistic journey more than keeping up appearances… and why ever not?
just as nobody has the right to make unkind remarks abt any woman / girl who isnt into dressing up, nobody shd judge any book by it’s cover…
i know for a fact MOST women dress up to attract the opposite sex or to compete with each other, but for me, that means nothing… i dress up becos it is a wonderful part of my life, to put things together, colours, forms, shapes, textures, effects… and yes, i hv even been interviewed on tv for my sense of style…
what many (not all) NTs dont see is that we each bring with us different wonderful things to the world we live in – if we can look beneath the surfaces, dare to turn over a few stones, and look at things with different eyes…
but how many of us DARE to do so? either way?
and whoops, yes i wear my hair long and short and all sorts of ways… and yes i love sneakers of all kinds… and no i do not wear nail polish on my hands becos it inevitably melts with the paints i use, and i keep my finger nails very very short becos i play musical instruments… but i love nice clothes and putting things together in ways most women wld never dare to do… AND carry it off with panache too… what does that make me? which ‘group’ then wld i belong to? none at all…
btw temple grandin has a distinct sense of style, and even tho i’d never wear what she wears, i wld never dare say she lacks style… it’s just her own style that is all… and that in itself is worth celebrating – our own styles…
follow our own drum beats, gals! and to hell with what cruel things ppl say… jealous or just stupidly narrowminded, who cares?… easier said than done, but it’s our own perceptions of ourselves that make the difference in the end… and we are worth the struggle for…
bravo to female aspies of ALL shapes sizes and manifestations!
I just want to second what M said above. I have the same issues he has regarding “guy talk” and have done since I was at boarding school (12 to 16, 1989 to 1993). Actually, I often find it rather intimidating.
A few years ago, I was at a computer event in the Midlands, linked to a now-defunct Linux-related podcast. The presentations were great, but the climax of the event was a live version of the podcast. The problem was that it contained virtually no on-topic content and a whole lot of smutty talk. I complained about it on my blog and received comments to the effect that I should listen to another show instead.
The thing is, I felt the need to mention that there were ladies present (there were a few, but the audience was overwhelmingly male) to justify my dislike of that kind of talk. I’m not a prude and don’t mind a few F-words, but I shouldn’t have to mention ladies when I object to that kind of talk in a completely inappropriate place.
I’ve been told most of my life that I had the mind of a man! lol! I too spent alot of time being mistaken as a boy when I was in school. Not now though. I dress up for work, and I have a love for renissance style blouses, so no one now can mistake me for male. I still am told I have the mindset of a man though.
I hate shopping, I deplore all things that have to do with chick flicks, romance novels are NOT novels and I refuse to even be in thier genreal vacinity, I get angry around pastel colors, and I would rather vomit then spen one minute listening to useless gossip about who did what with who. Give me my subjects of ancient history and myth over that any day!!
I can’t handle being around, girly girls for very long. The conversation level goes down very quickly, and I swear a few of my brain cells die every minute I have to listen to that nonsense!
On the other hand, I am a jewlery junkie, as said before I love reniassance clothing, even right no I have an elaborate blouse on with some old timey jewlery. And I do enjoy wearing make-up. What I hate is how long it takes to get it on! lol!
So don’t feel bad. We all like what we like. And you are most definately a girl. People can just be dumb.