Subscribe Via RSSDefending Others Vs. Defending Myself From Bullies
Defending Myself From Bullies
I went to a wedding over the weekend. I often stress out when it’s with a certain crowd that I’m not very familiar with, and especially when the invitation says black tie (i.e., strict social conventions). I’ve tried being nice to the people in this crowd, but just can’t get them to see me as a human because 1) they’ve known each other for decades, 2) it’s an ethnically homogeneous crowd and I stick out like a sore thumb, and 3) because of their culture and my Aspergers I’m not as hypersocial as they are. But did I mention that I’ve tried being friendly?
There was a point when I walked over to a group of people I know well, and a girl led the group in turning their backs on me, leaving me standing by myself. It wasn’t until my husband came over and saw the situation that they all pretended to be talking to me.
See, this is always how it works with female bullies. In front of their mothers, or husbands, they pretend to be so nice to me, because they want to be seen as “good girls”. And their moms do the same. When my husband isn’t around, they say the meanest things to me. It’s so confusing until you figure it out, and then when you try to tell someone it can be hard to convince them if they believe that person is nice and you’re misunderstanding something. It was such a relief to read Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (see sidebar) and see that I was not alone.
At that point I couldn’t bear to stand there and pretend to be their friend, so I left. Unfortunately at a wedding when you don’t know anyone, the only place to go when you need to get away is the bathroom. (There is also the bar but I don’t drink.) I’m convinced that they make fancy lounge/bathrooms at nice wedding venues because so many girls need to hide. So I sat on a chair with my Blackberry.
On the Other Hand…
Why is it then that I don’t even hesitate to stand up for my dog? I must have a Mama Bear in there somewhere.
There’s a woman at the farmers market who brings a sour Maltese with a nasty bark. You can hear this thing snarling and yapping from blocks away! So we got there yesterday with Molly and the Maltese was there. Molly never reacts to these things and stood calmly, but the other dog picked up her presence from far away. Someone behind me in line commented on how amazed she was that my dog was so calm given the situation.
The woman snuck up on us and brought the snarling dog in Molly’s face while I was picking out produce. I said “NO”, and she said, “Oh, but she’s friendly.” (Really, a friendly dog would snarl and corner another dog?) For the record, she has chased me down with this dog before while I ran away telling her not to come near me.
Poor Molly had backed under the table and without thinking I put out my foot to block the Maltese. Then I shouted at the woman, “I don’t want your dog near my dog!” The next time she approaches me I won’t hesitate to report her to animal control.
It seems so much easier to defend others from bullies.
(Photo: lenifuzhead)
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12 Responses
What did hubby do when it was pointed out how horrible these women are? That is the unanswered question. Also stop trying. These morons obviously have not graduated from middle school and do not deserve your friendship. Also if these family affairs are miserable for you and hubby knows it, especially because of the way you are treated, there comes a time in every adults life that they need to grow up and tell extended family where to go when they are disrespectful to a spouse. Mine did it decades ago.
Also I would have done the same thing on behalf of Molly-pup. The woman is obviously obtuse about her dog, much like parents are about their children that bully as well. Something tells me though she won’t be bothering Molly-pup anymore.
they need to grow up and tell extended family where to go when they are disrespectful to a spouse.
Yes, definitely a Right of Passage for most relationships.
I did it in the very beginning when my dad questioned my choices. Had to make it clear that I knew what I was doing and would never tolerate disrespect from anyone in my family.
I just wanted to say, good for you! It is perfectly great for you to enjoy time to yourself (not hiding out, if it is your preference) in a bathroom lounge with your Blackberry than put up with ignorance and meanness. And you are headed in the right direction, as far as self-confidence and standing up for yourself – it just takes practice (defending Molly is great practice). I am 42, with 3 children, ages 15, 12 & 9 (youngest is my little Aspie Phenom!). It took me a couple of years to settle in and become the mommy tiger I am now, protecting my children and learning to stand up for myself, too – no apologies necessary! Again, good for you.
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I quit tango dancing because from Day 1 I got that treatment from the Tango Women.THat niht they lined up in front of me to keep the men from seeing me & asking me to dance. And every time I tried to participate in any conversation id get that “I hear something but I don’t see anybody saying ” look.
It is almost worse that standing on the playground with the entire 5th grade pointing and laughing at you.
OTOH, when my speech gets out of my Direct Control I get accused of being a bully because when I escalate I get angry and the anger makes me abusive, when I am only trying to make myself understood-that one thing I need compassion for is the very thing that chases people away from me.
So I am on both sides of the bully coin. My only comfort is that ‘Bullies don’;t feel remorse” and I Always do,so I’m not a real bully.
And you should see how people react when I ask them to please ask FIRST before forcing their tiny little dogs to go in Whiskey’s face. She only weighs 180 pounds, after all, why *not* suprise her?
That is so sad. Sometimes I just can’t stand women. The problem with women is that they are just good haters. If someone decides they don’t like you and can convince the group that you aren’t a good person, you are sunk. I’ve never found a way to successfully turn the tide on that one. I just go find a nicer pond to swim in.
The interesting thing is that men aren’t that way. I read a book about a woman who disguised herself as a man for a while and she said that men friendships are totally different. Men automatically accept other men until they do something to tick them off, and even then, if you change your tune, they will usually give you a 2nd chance. With women, you have to prove yourself first and there are no 2nd chances. Isn’t that sad?
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That must have been awful Sandy. I’m sorry that you had to go through that, again. I just can’t understand why women can’t be nice to each other (yes, I’m generalizing). It’s why I’m on (possibly permanent) hiatus from Twitter. It sounds like you’re ok with setting clear boundaries with your family and Molly – I’m sure it’ll get easier for you. Hugs, Katie
Argh, 5+7 equals… um…
Anyway. Sandy, my heart goes out to you! Maybe I skated to the side of most of the cattiness or just don’t remember it, but I don’t have a lot of middle school/high school girl chum memories, that’s for sure!
I find the nice bathrooms to be so welcoming. The designer of that room would be delighted you were able to find respite there!
And good for you for sticking up for your dog.
That’s really all I have to say, just a big “thumbs up” for you.
Coming out of lurkerdom to say: I totally hear you and agree on catty women. Not long after my (now) husband and I got engaged, we attended the out-of-town wedding of his best friend. The bride, while nice enough on her own, was one of those popular party girls in college, and had about eight of her friends there as bridesmaids. The girls (bride, maids, and assorted other female guests) were planning to go out clubbing the night before the wedding, and the guys were heading to a pub instead. Guess who didn’t get invited to the girls’ night and ended up tagging along with the guys (since my husband wouldn’t leave me alone in the hotel room)? Found out later that the girls “forgot” to invite me and that the bride got an earful from the groom. Nice effort on his part, but the tone was already set for the weekend. Things didn’t improve considerably- I got booted from table to table at the reception by the bride’s mother, etc. Good times.
wow, I can identify totally with this. Story of my life all the way through school. I get the same from some of the “out-laws”; they would invite me but say No Children when my kids were small, and they are from a Mediterranean-type culture where kids are usually welcomed at weddings and parties. Then when I wouldn’t go, they got offended. After far too long of this, husband said I no longer needed to try to make nice with his family. Sadly the men are just as weird. We tried building bridges recently but these people are as annoying as ever! Other “foreign” wives seem to have been accepted fully, which really rankles. But I guess they aren’t aspies…
And yeah, I go all Mama Bear when it’s my kids or an animal (any animal, not just my kitty) that is being harrassed. So — bravo for putting the Maltie’s owner in her place!