Guest Post: The Biggest Transition – Fatherhood on the Spectrum

One of the ongoing questions I’ve explored since starting this site has been how people on the autism spectrum handle parenting. Robert from Simply Robert became a father recently and shared this beautiful post with us. He and I used to have these conversations about how we valued our personal space and were content with our child-free lifestyles, so it means a lot to me to see him adapt to his new role in life.

Eight years into our marriage, the wife and I made an astonishing discovery: we were pregnant. Immediately, we began preparing for the addition to our family. We cleared out the home office to make a nursery. We began re-appropriating space around our home to accommodate the accoutrements of parenthood. Then we did it all over again as the wife periodically changed her mind about what should go where.

One thing for which I could not prepare, however, was the challenge involved in transitioning from being a husband on the spectrum to being an aspie father.

A Little Background

For the first several years of our marriage, children were not an option – biological children, at any rate. Before we had been married a year, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. The wife was fantastically supportive, and I think the experience served to strengthen our relationship a great deal. Unfortunately, the treatments seemingly left me unable to have children. This was not unexpected, but it was a disappointment nontheless. Still, adoption remained an option.

We discovered the pregnancy on August 2, 2009 – over seven years after my surgery and subsequent radiation treatments concluded. Things progressed smoothly at first, but February saw my wife admitted to the hospital for twenty-four hour monitoring. Among other related complications, she had a condition called vasa previa that was potentially fatal to our unborn daughter. She ended up staying in the hospital for sixty-five days before coming home with our newborn daughter in April.

Having to Adjust

Less than a week after they came home, my wife asked me a very painful question: “Do you resent our daughter?” It was a fair, but piercing, question. Of course I didn’t. How could I resent a blessing for which we had waited so long? On the other hand, I had to try and place myself in her proverbial shoes to see where this question had come from.

Having Aspergers, I have always valued my personal time and personal space. My preferred activities have usually involved escapism – reading, Internet browsing, blogging/writing, video games, etc. The nursery had abolished my usual personal space: the computer room. In fact, the PowerMac had ended up in the same room as one of our loudest birds. I’ve hardly touched that computer since it was moved up there last year. Most of my books went to the same room, and I have a difficult time even entering that room because that specific bird (a rescue) can put me into a meltdown in less than a minute.

This was compounded by the fact that our daughter was currently sleeping in the living room where the game systems are. My peaceful stims were being cut off one at a time, and my general composure was suffering as a result. I should also mention that I’m just a trifle OCD about keeping things neat and orderly around the house, and a new baby makes keeping a house tidy a very challenging task. Now anyone who works with people on the spectrum know that trying to remove a stim can result in very selfish behaviors, so it made sense that my wife interpreted my accumulating frustrations as resentment.

Where Do We Go From Here?

The wife’s question was a serious reality check. As an adult, she is capable of adjusting herself around my quirks with relative ease. The fact that she has a background in psychology doesn’t hurt either. Our daughter, in contrast, is incapable of such accommodations. She doesn’t see me as an aspie. To her, I’m merely daddy, and I have a responsibility to her that trumps any self interest. She needs me to be there for her, however my personal issues are faring that day.

Still, how to cope with the internal pressures of Aspergers while being a good daddy was a challenge. Here are some small things we did to help.

• Our daughter loves sleeping on my chest when it’s nap time. Often, I read to her prior to her naps from her book basket. (Her ability to concentrate on the pictures in her books is truly fascinating.) Then, when she goes down, I’ll fire up some games to occupy myself while she dozes.
• I now do my writing on my MacBook either at the dining room table or in bed at night. Do I write as much? Of course not, but that just forces me to be more focused in my writing and to choose topics more carefully, so, in a way, this accommodation is encouraging me to try being a better writer.
• I practice things like voice inflection and facial expressions with our daughter. It’s well documented that infants do not respond well to flat affect interactions. Also, I find it much easier to maintain eye contact with her than with adults. Again, these are adjustment that help me out as well as benefit her development.
• As far as my OCD issues go, the wife has pretty much given me reign over keeping the kitchen clean while she deals with other areas. This seems to be working out pretty well.

Every Day Brings New Joys

Becoming a parent should be something an individual on the spectrum considers carefully before pursuing. It’s a large enough adjustment for a neurotypical individual. That adjustment, compounded with the typically change-resistant mind of an aspie, can be overwhelming at times. Becoming a parent is a permanent commitment, and the changes it brings are non-negotiable.

Yes, it’s been a huge adjustment, but I wouldn’t trade the joys of parenthood for all the JRPGs in the world. For us, the sacrifices have been dwarfed by the benefits. Every day brings new joys, and I can’t look into the eyes of our new daughter without being thankful for her presence in our lives.