Subscribe Via RSSHugs and Kisses: When Social and Physical Boundaries Collide
Do you ever have that Very Awkward Moment when you greet someone hello or goodbye and you’re pretty sure you only gestured for a hug but they move in for an air or cheek kiss? Or you reach out your hand and they hug you anyway?
It’s an awkward situation for anyone, but for someone on the autism spectrum it’s a huge, unexpected violation of personal space that can trigger meltdowns.
What’s confusing is that expectations of whether you’re supposed to shake hands, hug, or air/cheek kiss someone vary according to the situation and culture. Plus, each person has their own individual guidelines that they go by.
1. Casual acquaintances (such as neighbors, people I’ve just met) and business contacts I’ll shake hands with. I’ll signal this by extending my hand in the handshake position. Interestingly, it’s men, not women, who ignore my request for a handshake and say “give me a hug”
2. Actual friends I don’t mind hugging.
3. Air kisses/cheek kisses I’m completely against. One, because it’s always done totally against my will, and two, because no one should be invading my space with their mouth like that.
But I’ve learned to prepare myself in certain situations. Like at some weddings, there will just be groups of tipsy people I don’t know who’ll want to air kiss and hug, so I’ll make sure to stand far far away from them when saying hello. Also, I’ve learned to keep my beverage in my left hand to keep my right free for shaking hands. (Loud music and large crowds have historically not been my shining moment, so I am on guard at weddings!)
Whatever the situation, it’s important to know your boundaries and know how to signal your intentions. If the other person isn’t respecting your wishes, you have every right to be firm and clear. You never have to accept more physical contact than you’re comfortable with!
It doesn’t have to be a huge scene; you can just say “I’m more comfortable shaking hands” or “Why don’t we just shake hands instead.” Or if you’d rather not make any contact, sometimes you can get away with saying “it was very nice meeting you” and leaving it at that.
5 Responses
I find that people on the East Coast tend to air/cheek kiss more than here in the West. I never experienced it until I was in the South, and even then it was very strange to me. I don’t mind air or cheek kisses from someone I’m really comfortable with, but there is no way an acquaintance or stranger should invade one’s personal space that way. I guess that’s just my $.02. A handshake is always a safe bet.
Air/cheek kisses are very common here in the Netherlands, which is probably why I can tolerate them. But it always confounds me when to kiss and when to shake.
Usually I just hold out my hand and brace myself.
Marijn Rongen´s last blog ..How dare you be so biased
I’m usually okay with handshakes, but there are some of us who are not comfortable with even that much touching, especially with people they’re just meeting. Jim Sinclair wears a button that says, “Just say Hello” at conferences. There are some others who feel the same way. If you meet another autistic, and s/he indicates in any way that they prefer not to shake hands, it should be respected, and not taken as being unfriendly.
(Also, some people with OCD [germ issue] would be averse to handshaking.)
Clay´s last blog ..Dairy Farm Brutality
Orthodox Jews who don’t touch people of the opposite sex unless they are married run into this problem all the time. (People who observe this rule call themselves “shomer negiah,” or “observer of the touch,” i.e. “non-touch.”)
If touch is required for business purposes, handshakes are obviously preferable to hugs or kisses in Jewish and I would imagine most other touch-sensitive circumstances.
There is definitely the “hold the drink in a hand and nod ‘nice to meet you’” thing.
Abacaxi Mamao´s last blog ..Has it really been four months
P.S. If you Google around, I am sure that you can find other tips from such folks. (I am fine with any handshake and mildly uncomfortable hugging men I don’t know, but it’s not because of Jewish law, and I don’t have Asperger’s. I think it’s just a personal comfort thing, which I’m sure you’ll find other people have as well. I’d rather air-kiss or cheek-kiss than hug someone of the opposite gender that I don’t know.)