You know what’s a good thing? When a company designs clothing for special sensory needs. You know what’s an even better thing? When that company includes adult sizing in their product line!

I knew Smart Knit Kids from Twitter, so when I saw their booth at the ASA conference I had to walk over and say hi. It’s hard to miss their bug logo! (Though for the longest time I assumed it was a frog. Yes, I can name just about every kind of spaniel breed but can’t distinguish between a frog ang a bug – go figure.)

At first I assumed they’d tell me they only carried children’s sizes, so imagine my surprise when they told me and a friend I was with that they made socks in our sizes. Not just children’s socks that might fit us if we were small enough (like some other companies), but actual adult sizes. Finally!

They kindly offered me a pair to try, and since they only had kids’ sizes with them at the booth I took home an XXL pair in purple.

Sure enough, these socks are soft and seamless. At first I kept wiggling my toes to “look” for the seam, as if I’d put my socks on the wrong way!

I liked that the material felt substantial without being itchy or overly heavy; I could imagine wearing this in cooler weather. (According to the website, the material also wicks away moisture to prevent “stinky feet”.) There’s also a special stitching at the top that eliminates the nasty band or cuff that always rubs or squeezes your leg. And somehow the sock stays on.

If I had one concern, it’s that the socks didn’t fare very well in the dryer, despite the instructions to “simply machine wash & tumble dry warm”. Maybe it’s my dryer, which tends to fry everything. I’ve also noticed fuzzage on every pair of socks I’ve had in this weight so it’s probably nothing to worry about. (ETA: The inside is a different texture from the outside and doesn’t seem to accumulate fuzz.)

Adult sizes (Smart Knit Big Kids) come in black and white, and kids’ sizes (which fit a women’s size 7 generously) come in a few extra colors. They don’t have a defined heel, so the sizes aren’t quite as precise as traditional socks!

SmartKnitKids Seamless Socks: Not Just For Kids!

My friend wrote to ask if I could give a few tips on travel, especially going through security. This question has special relevance to the autistic community, because many autistic traits can be mistaken for suspicious behavior (avoiding eye contact, not wanting to be touched, refusal to follow directions, escalating into hostility, etc.). What makes the process especially challenging is that TSA checkpoints are usually brightly lit, bustling, and lack clear instructions.

Yes, I have panicked before when I encountered one of their experimental “puffer” machines in Fort Lauderdale and there were no instructions. I waited until I was doing it all wrong and then freaked out. (It blew puffs of air at you and checked for traces of explosives, except I had no idea what was going on.) Next time I’ll just look for a human before I step into a machine! You have every right to ask for instructions. You also have the right to ask for assistance or extra time.

Going Through Security

1. Usually you’ll stand in line until you reach a TSA employee who will inspect your drivers license (or comparable photo ID) and boarding pass. He or she will hand these back to you.

2. You’ll place your carry-on bag through the x-ray, and any jackets/shoes/purses/clear bag with liquids go in a bin. Laptops go in a separate bin. If you’re squeamish about walking barefoot in a public place, wear socks!

3. Walk through the metal detector. As your belongings come out of the x-ray, you’ll need to collect them. There should be an area a few feet away where you can repack anything and put your shoes on. It’s not a good idea to stand at the x-ray and repack, as this causes everyone behind you to pile up.

(Interesting post from Cat in a Dog’s World here on alternatives TSA is beginning to implement and how they affect people with special needs.)

You may be told to step aside so they can screen your belongings by hand. It is your right to have someone of the same gender screening your baggage in a discreet area off to the side. It’s possible for your careful organization to come undone as they go through your things, so brace yourself. If you feel they’ve been disrespectful at any point, calmly ask to talk to a screener supervisor or email TSA-ContactCenter@dhs.gov. If you feel you’ve been discriminated against, visit their Discrimination page for contact info.

How to get through the line faster (TSA)

Travelers with Disabilities and Medical Conditions (TSA)

(photo: Crashworks)

Reader Question: Autistic and Going Through Airport Security

It’s an awkward situation for anyone, but for someone on the autism spectrum it’s a huge, unexpected violation of personal space that can trigger meltdowns.

What’s confusing is that expectations of whether you’re supposed to shake hands, hug, or air/cheek kiss someone vary according to the situation and culture. Plus, each person has their own individual guidelines that they go by.

1. Casual acquaintances (such as neighbors, people I’ve just met) and business contacts I’ll shake hands with. I’ll signal this by extending my hand in the handshake position. Interestingly, it’s men, not women, who ignore my request for a handshake and say “give me a hug”

2. Actual friends I don’t mind hugging.

3. Air kisses/cheek kisses I’m completely against. One, because it’s always done totally against my will, and two, because no one should be invading my space with their mouth like that.

But I’ve learned to prepare myself in certain situations. Like at some weddings, there will just be groups of tipsy people I don’t know who’ll want to air kiss and hug, so I’ll make sure to stand far far away from them when saying hello. Also, I’ve learned to keep my beverage in my left hand to keep my right free for shaking hands. (Loud music and large crowds have historically not been my shining moment, so I am on guard at weddings!)

Whatever the situation, it’s important to know your boundaries and know how to signal your intentions. If the other person isn’t respecting your wishes, you have every right to be firm and clear. You never have to accept more physical contact than you’re comfortable with!

It doesn’t have to be a huge scene; you can just say “I’m more comfortable shaking hands” or “Why don’t we just shake hands instead.” Or if you’d rather not make any contact, sometimes you can get away with saying “it was very nice meeting you” and leaving it at that.

(photo: petergerdes)

Hugs and Kisses: When Social and Physical Boundaries Collide

The Talks

Next year, I’ll definitely allow more time for sessions. I arrived the day before my panel and was so exhausted that even though I wanted to listen to Girl World or Relationships on the Spectrum, all I could do was plant myself in the first soft chair I could find.

One talk I made sure not to miss, however, was the Speaking for Ourselves panel.  Every year, individuals on the autism spectrum living in the area local to where the conference is held get a chance to tell their story at this panel, and it just so happened that my friend Melody from ASParenting was speaking. Melody spoke eloquently, and hearing her story actually gave me chills as I realized how we both started out looking for such related supports and found each other.

How’d The Travel Work Out?

Besides having a fair amount of anxiety about speaking, I was also aware that it would be my first time traveling alone other than the times I flew home from college. Judging from some of my travel experiences in the past (like being in a small hotel in Colombia and realizing there are no other guests or staff while a potential break-in is happening in the middle of the night, and that’s when I discover my room phone doesn’t work, and oh! I don’t speak Spanish) I was unsure about how it could go. Maybe it would be more accurate to say that my husband had some doubts.

I have to hand it to the ASA and the Hyatt Regency Dallas; they made the whole experience go very smoothly. The hotel staff was extremely patient and professional when I asked them to repeat just about everything and never acted like it was anything out of the ordinary.

Halfway through my flight I realized that I’d left my toothbrush and phone charger at home, and started stressing about both of these things. When I asked the front desk where I could get a toothbrush, they just handed me one, no questions asked. My room turned out to have an ipod dock that worked well for charging my phone, so in the end everything worked out perfectly.

If I recall correctly, they mentioned that they trained the hotel staff on being autism-friendly, and I’m curious what that entailed.

If You’re Considering It

I know, conferences aren’t always the easiest to get to with all of the circumstances we have going on. Last year I couldn’t justify it at all. This year I probably wouldn’t have been able to go if it weren’t for the fact that I was speaking. Next year I’m hoping to go and will have to plan ahead carefully for it, but it’ll be worth it.

One question I initially had was whether there was enough programming for people on the spectrum to justify the effort. There turned out to be usually at least one (if not more) talk per session that would be of interest to adults on the spectrum, and it was probably more of an issue choosing just one. That said, you’re not going to go to every session anyway. Plus, there were a good number of adults on the spectrum to socialize with – if you’re so inclined. You could just as easily find a quiet place to be alone with your laptop.

If you go and run into me, please say hi. You might find me wearing a “no hugs please” button.

Autism Society National Conference 2010

Eight years into our marriage, the wife and I made an astonishing discovery: we were pregnant. Immediately, we began preparing for the addition to our family. We cleared out the home office to make a nursery. We began re-appropriating space around our home to accommodate the accoutrements of parenthood. Then we did it all over again as the wife periodically changed her mind about what should go where.

One thing for which I could not prepare, however, was the challenge involved in transitioning from being a husband on the spectrum to being an aspie father.

A Little Background

For the first several years of our marriage, children were not an option – biological children, at any rate. Before we had been married a year, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. The wife was fantastically supportive, and I think the experience served to strengthen our relationship a great deal. Unfortunately, the treatments seemingly left me unable to have children. This was not unexpected, but it was a disappointment nontheless. Still, adoption remained an option.

We discovered the pregnancy on August 2, 2009 – over seven years after my surgery and subsequent radiation treatments concluded. Things progressed smoothly at first, but February saw my wife admitted to the hospital for twenty-four hour monitoring. Among other related complications, she had a condition called vasa previa that was potentially fatal to our unborn daughter. She ended up staying in the hospital for sixty-five days before coming home with our newborn daughter in April.

Having to Adjust

Less than a week after they came home, my wife asked me a very painful question: “Do you resent our daughter?” It was a fair, but piercing, question. Of course I didn’t. How could I resent a blessing for which we had waited so long? On the other hand, I had to try and place myself in her proverbial shoes to see where this question had come from.

Having Aspergers, I have always valued my personal time and personal space. My preferred activities have usually involved escapism – reading, Internet browsing, blogging/writing, video games, etc. The nursery had abolished my usual personal space: the computer room. In fact, the PowerMac had ended up in the same room as one of our loudest birds. I’ve hardly touched that computer since it was moved up there last year. Most of my books went to the same room, and I have a difficult time even entering that room because that specific bird (a rescue) can put me into a meltdown in less than a minute.

This was compounded by the fact that our daughter was currently sleeping in the living room where the game systems are. My peaceful stims were being cut off one at a time, and my general composure was suffering as a result. I should also mention that I’m just a trifle OCD about keeping things neat and orderly around the house, and a new baby makes keeping a house tidy a very challenging task. Now anyone who works with people on the spectrum know that trying to remove a stim can result in very selfish behaviors, so it made sense that my wife interpreted my accumulating frustrations as resentment.

Where Do We Go From Here?

The wife’s question was a serious reality check. As an adult, she is capable of adjusting herself around my quirks with relative ease. The fact that she has a background in psychology doesn’t hurt either. Our daughter, in contrast, is incapable of such accommodations. She doesn’t see me as an aspie. To her, I’m merely daddy, and I have a responsibility to her that trumps any self interest. She needs me to be there for her, however my personal issues are faring that day.

Still, how to cope with the internal pressures of Aspergers while being a good daddy was a challenge. Here are some small things we did to help.

• Our daughter loves sleeping on my chest when it’s nap time. Often, I read to her prior to her naps from her book basket. (Her ability to concentrate on the pictures in her books is truly fascinating.) Then, when she goes down, I’ll fire up some games to occupy myself while she dozes.
• I now do my writing on my MacBook either at the dining room table or in bed at night. Do I write as much? Of course not, but that just forces me to be more focused in my writing and to choose topics more carefully, so, in a way, this accommodation is encouraging me to try being a better writer.
• I practice things like voice inflection and facial expressions with our daughter. It’s well documented that infants do not respond well to flat affect interactions. Also, I find it much easier to maintain eye contact with her than with adults. Again, these are adjustment that help me out as well as benefit her development.
• As far as my OCD issues go, the wife has pretty much given me reign over keeping the kitchen clean while she deals with other areas. This seems to be working out pretty well.

Every Day Brings New Joys

Becoming a parent should be something an individual on the spectrum considers carefully before pursuing. It’s a large enough adjustment for a neurotypical individual. That adjustment, compounded with the typically change-resistant mind of an aspie, can be overwhelming at times. Becoming a parent is a permanent commitment, and the changes it brings are non-negotiable.

Yes, it’s been a huge adjustment, but I wouldn’t trade the joys of parenthood for all the JRPGs in the world. For us, the sacrifices have been dwarfed by the benefits. Every day brings new joys, and I can’t look into the eyes of our new daughter without being thankful for her presence in our lives.

Guest Post: The Biggest Transition – Fatherhood on the Spectrum

Here are some tips to help you get to yes:

1. Think about how it could work for both of you.

I’ve found that people usually want to help, and not just because it’s the law.  It’s much easier for them to say yes from a business standpoint if it’s mutually beneficial or at least doesn’t impact their business significantly.  For example, am I going to ask that a supermarket not allow anyone in the produce section while I shop so I can have silence?  Obviously they’d say no.  But I could ask when they might be less busy so I could plan to shop at the right time.  If someone shopped alone and needed help, they could see if someone from customer service could help out for a few minutes.  That’s reasonable.

2. Ask respectfully.

I can’t emphasize this enough!  A smile or at least respectful language goes much further than surliness and yelling . (Certainly there are no guarantees, but it’s a start.)

3. Explain your situation and your needs.

A very simple explanation is usually enough, and if the person wants to know more, they’ll ask you questions.  Don’t assume they’re doubting you; often they’re just curious.  People tell me that they really didn’t know enough about autism, APD, and SPD, and welcome the opportunity to learn more.  It’s also amazing how motivated people are to come up with ways to help once you explain your situation to them.

If you find it hard to explain this verbally, you can carry a brief written explanation with you or on your phone.

4. Be prepared to put in some of the work yourself.

Maybe you’ll have to take notes while someone else controls the noise.  Or you’ll have to sit outside like I do at Panera.  (By the way, sometimes they have a quiet corner tucked away in the back too.)  I actually don’t mind sitting outside…I wish more restaurants offered this option!

Remember that people really do want to help.  Going in with that attitude helps a million percent!

Getting to Yes With Accommodations

1. The Happiness Project

First there was the blog, now there’s a book.  A few years ago, Gretchen Rubin set out on a project to become happier and blogged about it.  What I like most about her approach is that she gives you concrete tips and facts.  While positive thinking is a nice idea, if I’m not given small, concrete steps it’s daunting to know where to start.

Gretchen has different kinds of posts – videos, interviews, quotes, and anecdotes.  My favorites are her Wednesday Tips, which are the most direct and useful (like 6 Tips for Coping with the Fact that You’ve Forgotten Someone’s Name).  You’ll find the entire collection in the right sidebar.

2. The Friendship Blog

Readers write in with questions about friends and friendship, and The Friendship Doctor responds with helpful advice.  So kind of like Dear Abby for friendships.  Supposedly the focus is on female friendships, but I think there’s something for everyone here, as there’s a lot to be learned from observing other people’s relationships and how they’re handled.

Helpful Blogs – Are You Reading These?

When you go into the selection panel, they tell you what the trial is for and at that point many people will raise their hands to say flat out that they are opposed to being a juror.  They can’t force you against your will, so they let all these people go.  But I don’t like to lie, so I didn’t raise my hand here.  I wasn’t morally opposed; I just hoped they wouldn’t pick me.  (I’m very literal and tend to interpret statements exactly the way they’re worded.)  There were probably people answering yes to this question solely to get out of being chosen and not just because they were so morally opposed.  Then again, not many people would be able to sit through a child molestation trial.

APD Doesn’t Have to Make You a Second-Rate Citizen

Once the judge and attorneys get you alone, they ask you questions that could qualify or disqualify you.  I was open about my APD, thinking it might disqualify me.  The judge asked me to explain what it was, and she asked me some questions about it.

Actually I felt that the judge went above and beyond to accommodate me in the courtroom without singling me out, and she did it in a way that benefited the other jurors as well:

• She gave a talk about how some people have a great auditory memory for details and others need to write things down, and if we need anything repeated from the transcript we should raise our hand right away.
• At the point when she was giving us a detailed speech and needed us to focus, she told the observers in the courtroom they wouldn’t be allowed to enter or exit because the doors created too much background noise – something she and I had talked about at the beginning.
• She also prefaced the speech with a talk about how because she’d be reading from a book, we wouldn’t be able to see her lips and her expressions wouldn’t be animated, which would make it harder to make out what she was saying.

Something to Be Learned

You’re wondering about the details of the trial, aren’t you?  Let’s just say it was difficult and leave it at that.  It gave me the opportunity to see the different ways abuse affects victims into adulthood as well as the myths about abuse that persist in the general public to this day. I’ll address one that seemed to be common among the parents in the group because I think there’s a lot to be learned:

“My child would tell me everything that happens to him/her, so it’s not possible for a child to be abused and not tell an adult right away.”

It made me sad to see how much the parents wanted to believe they knew everything about their child, that no one could come between them.  The truth is that children hide all kinds of things from their parents, and it’s not hard for an abuser to intimidate a child into keeping their secret.

Doing My Civic Duty

Over the past year or two R has really taken to running, and it wasn’t until he got sidelined by an injury that we realized what it did for him.  It wasn’t a hobby or a sport; it was a sensory outlet that made him, in his words, “a tolerable person”.

Insert Forrest Joke Here

Almost from the day he started, he just took off and never stopped.  He’d wake up at 5 or even earlier and run 10, 15, 20 miles in the rain, heat, or snow.  He’d do all that and still have time for a leisurely breakfast and then get to work well before 9.  Every day.

After running marathon-length distances became a regular thing for him, he started to wonder about ultramarathons.  Now, as his wife, I am unsure about these things…running 100 miles through Death Valley just doesn’t sound like a healthy pursuit to me.  Then again, I suppose there are worse things a person could indulge in.

“I Feel Like A Mortal”

And then the pain set in.  It came and went at first, and he tried all the things you’re supposed to try with a minor running injury.  Rest, ice, compression, elevation.  When he got to the rest part, or in other words, no running whatsoever, his mood hit an all-time low.  He was absolutely miserable and cranky and just not himself.

Then he explained to me how much he missed being able to run to the point of exhaustion, and how wearing himself out in the morning made him tolerable to be around each day.

It’s All About Proprioception

We’ve talked about what he can do to replace running while his leg heals, and he needs heavy work activities to get proprioceptive input.  The yoga mat and foam block are for different stretches, and the weights and Therabands are for resistance.  The only thing that’s made him somewhat happy is riding his bike 25-30 miles.  And still he doesn’t feel the whole-body exertion he gets from running.

Proprioception seekers are often thought of as fidgety, constantly running and screaming and crashing into things, but it’s not always so obvious.  Both R and I are proprioception seekers and the signs are so much more subtle.  R’s not fidgety or loud or crash-y at all, but definitely on the go a lot.  My dad is also that way; he’s a quiet man but spends hours every day tending to his yard.

Well, What Now?

After trying almost every compression and therapeutic device known to man, he gave in and saw an orthopedic surgeon, who gave him the bad news.  It’s most likely a chronic injury that will require surgery if he wants to continue running.  R’s looked into the surgery and he doesn’t like the risk of nerve injury that goes with it.  Herein lies the dilemma – some people would just say, well running’s not that big of a deal.  I’ll just take up another sport.  But running seems to be the only thing that makes him feel able to cope with the world. (Maybe Runman would agree.)

I’m trying to help him through this, not just because I’m his wife but because I understand the strange, often invisible relationship between sensory input and emotions.  It takes a lot for a person to recognize their sensory needs and find what works for them, so I’ll do whatever it takes for R to hold on to this.

When A Hobby Becomes A Therapy You Can’t Live Without

It’s a great topic for the conference to explore, and not just because social media is timely but because online communication opens so many doors for autistics.

Who’s going to the conference?  I’m looking forward to meeting up with @RainbowProject and anyone else who’s going to be there!

Speaking at ASA Conference