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Where Logic and Love Intersect
I’ve been pondering Gavin’s recent post about how autistics approach relationships and reflecting on whether logic and romance can co-exist.
Logic Can Help In Making Decisions
When I was in college I created an elaborate scoring matrix to help me decide who I wanted to date. Or rather, who I wanted to “like”. Each candidate could score a maximum of 4 points in each category, and at the end whoever had the most points won.
I liked making decisions in the most logical way possible, and giving points in a way that I could work with visually made the most sense to me. Another method I liked was making pro/con lists and assigning a weighted score to each factor. Where most people can sense their emotions in an instant, I was trying to identify my emotions in a roundabout way by intellectualizing them.
But Don’t Put A Price On Your Love
If you’ve ever thought about doing this, I’d suggest keeping it to yourself because people are sentimental creatures. It can especially backfire when you use logic and numbers to tell someone what they’re worth to you.
A guy once tried to present me with a spreadsheet of how much a potential relationship would cost. No, wait, it gets better! He then told me that instead of pursuing a Ph.D, I should “stay home with the kids” while he got an MBA because according to him, it made less economic sense for a woman to go to grad school than it did a man.
And that was when I told him sorry, but he must have been counting his chickens because we had no future together.
Soft Giveaway Winners
Congrats to the five winners of the Soft tee giveaway! I used Random.org to pick five winners (after taking out those who were just commenting and not entering)
and came up with:
Jessica!
Erin from M.A.G.! (I am totally going to use your gluten free recipes)
Michael/@thebucknation!
Karianna!
Natasha!
I’m done exclaiming now! I’ll contact the winners about details, but if you entered a pretend email address I need you to contact me.
Holiday Giveaway: Soft Tees!
As this year draws to a close, I’m grateful for all of my readers and the wonderful people I’ve met. Soft Clothing is helping me to offer a holiday giveaway to readers of Aspie Teacher, so five – 5! – readers are going to win a Soft tee.
When I heard about Soft Clothing for All Children, I was intrigued. Jessica Ralli is a former special ed teacher with a great sense of style, and she’s created a line of clothing for those of us with SPD. The flat seams are specially sewn so nothing rubs against your skin, and tags are printed right onto the fabric so you won’t get that scratchy tag bothering you all day.
Jessica was nice enough to send me some shirts to try, and I loved them. The tees so far are sized for children, but the XXL will fit up to a women’s medium. I normally wear a women’s XS and the XXL was a loose fit on me. You can find more details about sizing here.
Upon browsing through the entire line, I can’t wait to order this tie-printed tee – it’s cute for grownups but also a great alternative to formalwear for squirmy little boys!
To enter the giveaway, leave a comment about how sensory challenges affect your life. Entries must be received by Dec 7 at 10 pm EST and 5 winners will be selected at random. Good luck!
How to Shop Without Sensory Overload
Shopping is harsh on the senses, and with the holidays coming up you might be dreading the meltdowns that tend to happen at the mall. Here are some tips to help prevent holiday shopping disaster:
Avoid Crowds
Find out when stores will be less crowded. Stores tend to be empty at the beginning of the week, and you can always ask a salesperson or call ahead.
Shop online. You can scout out the selection before you go, which cuts down on a lot of time and stress. If the shipping and return policies are reasonable (always check first!), you might consider buying online.
Go Easy On the Senses
Choose stores that are well-organized. Department stores and other stores like Bed Bath and Beyond cram as many products as they can into a small space, which results in visual crowding. Not only will you not find what you want, but you’re more likely to have a meltdown from having to do so much extra work.
Take breaks to eat and drink. A hungry shopper is not a happy shopper.
Avoid stores with harsh fragrance, music, or lights. If you know which entrance of a department store the fragrance counters are at, enter and exit through a different door!
Simplify Your Shopping
Try a personal shopper. Some stores offer a free personal shopper service, and rather than being snooty it makes the shopping experience sane. You just let the store know you want to stop by and the shopper will put together a few things for you to try on without you having to search the store. If you explain your sensory needs, they’ll gladly pick out clothing that works for you and show you how to get the most out of your wardrobe.
Get a gift card. When all else fails, get a gift card. You don’t even have to go to the mall anymore; they have a huge selection at the drugstore. It’s worth it not to have a meltdown!
(photo: Christopher Chan)
Defending Others Vs. Defending Myself From Bullies
Defending Myself From Bullies
I went to a wedding over the weekend. I often stress out when it’s with a certain crowd that I’m not very familiar with, and especially when the invitation says black tie (i.e., strict social conventions). I’ve tried being nice to the people in this crowd, but just can’t get them to see me as a human because 1) they’ve known each other for decades, 2) it’s an ethnically homogeneous crowd and I stick out like a sore thumb, and 3) because of their culture and my Aspergers I’m not as hypersocial as they are. But did I mention that I’ve tried being friendly?
There was a point when I walked over to a group of people I know well, and a girl led the group in turning their backs on me, leaving me standing by myself. It wasn’t until my husband came over and saw the situation that they all pretended to be talking to me.
See, this is always how it works with female bullies. In front of their mothers, or husbands, they pretend to be so nice to me, because they want to be seen as “good girls”. And their moms do the same. When my husband isn’t around, they say the meanest things to me. It’s so confusing until you figure it out, and then when you try to tell someone it can be hard to convince them if they believe that person is nice and you’re misunderstanding something. It was such a relief to read Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (see sidebar) and see that I was not alone.
At that point I couldn’t bear to stand there and pretend to be their friend, so I left. Unfortunately at a wedding when you don’t know anyone, the only place to go when you need to get away is the bathroom. (There is also the bar but I don’t drink.) I’m convinced that they make fancy lounge/bathrooms at nice wedding venues because so many girls need to hide. So I sat on a chair with my Blackberry.
On the Other Hand…
Why is it then that I don’t even hesitate to stand up for my dog? I must have a Mama Bear in there somewhere.
There’s a woman at the farmers market who brings a sour Maltese with a nasty bark. You can hear this thing snarling and yapping from blocks away! So we got there yesterday with Molly and the Maltese was there. Molly never reacts to these things and stood calmly, but the other dog picked up her presence from far away. Someone behind me in line commented on how amazed she was that my dog was so calm given the situation.
The woman snuck up on us and brought the snarling dog in Molly’s face while I was picking out produce. I said “NO”, and she said, “Oh, but she’s friendly.” (Really, a friendly dog would snarl and corner another dog?) For the record, she has chased me down with this dog before while I ran away telling her not to come near me.
Poor Molly had backed under the table and without thinking I put out my foot to block the Maltese. Then I shouted at the woman, “I don’t want your dog near my dog!” The next time she approaches me I won’t hesitate to report her to animal control.
It seems so much easier to defend others from bullies.
(Photo: lenifuzhead)
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