Posted by Sandy on December 16th 2009

Where Logic and Love Intersect

I’ve been pondering Gavin’s recent post about how autistics approach relationships and reflecting on whether logic and romance can co-exist.

Logic Can Help In Making Decisions

When I was in college I created an elaborate scoring matrix to help me decide who I wanted to date.  Or rather, who I wanted to “like”.  Each candidate could score a maximum of 4 points in each category, and at the end whoever had the most points won.

I liked making decisions in the most logical way possible, and giving points in a way that I could work with visually made the most sense to me.  Another method I liked was making pro/con lists and assigning a weighted score to each factor.  Where most people can sense their emotions in an instant, I was trying to identify my emotions in a roundabout way by intellectualizing them.

But Don’t Put A Price On Your Love

If you’ve ever thought about doing this, I’d suggest keeping it to yourself because people are sentimental creatures.  It can especially backfire when you use logic and numbers to tell someone what they’re worth to you.

A guy once tried to present me with a spreadsheet of how much a potential relationship would cost.  No, wait, it gets better!  He then told me that instead of pursuing a Ph.D, I should “stay home with the kids” while he got an MBA because according to him, it made less economic sense for a woman to go to grad school than it did a man.

And that was when I told him sorry, but he must have been counting his chickens because we had no future together.

Posted by Sandy on December 8th 2009

Soft Giveaway Winners

Congrats to the five winners of the Soft tee giveaway!  I used Random.org to pick five winners (after taking out those who were just commenting and not entering)

randomand came up with:

Jessica!

Erin from M.A.G.!  (I am totally going to use your gluten free recipes)

Michael/@thebucknation!

Karianna!

Natasha!

I’m done exclaiming now!  I’ll contact the winners about details, but if you entered a pretend email address I need you to contact me.

Posted by Sandy on December 4th 2009

Holiday Giveaway: Soft Tees!

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As this year draws to a close, I’m grateful for all of my readers and the wonderful people I’ve met.  Soft Clothing is helping me to offer a holiday giveaway to readers of Aspie Teacher, so five – 5! – readers are going to win a Soft tee.

When I heard about Soft Clothing for All Children, I was intrigued.  Jessica Ralli is a former special ed teacher with a great sense of style, and she’s created a line of clothing for those of us with SPD.  The flat seams are specially sewn so nothing rubs against your skin, and tags are printed right onto the fabric so you won’t get that scratchy tag bothering you all day.

soft-giveaway-image

Jessica was nice enough to send me some shirts to try, and I loved them.  The tees so far are sized for children, but the XXL will fit up to a women’s medium.  I normally wear a women’s XS and the XXL was a loose fit on me. You can find more details about sizing here.

Upon browsing through the entire line,  I can’t wait to order this tie-printed tee – it’s cute for grownups but also a great alternative to formalwear for squirmy little boys!

To enter the giveaway, leave a comment about how sensory challenges affect your life.  Entries must be received by Dec 7 at 10 pm EST and 5 winners will be selected at random.  Good luck!

Posted by Sandy on November 17th 2009

How to Shop Without Sensory Overload

shopping

Shopping is harsh on the senses, and with the holidays coming up you might be dreading the meltdowns that tend to happen at the mall.  Here are some tips to help prevent holiday shopping disaster:

Avoid Crowds

Find out when stores will be less crowded. Stores tend to be empty at the beginning of the week, and you can always ask a salesperson or call ahead.

Shop online. You can scout out the selection before you go, which cuts down on a lot of time and stress.  If the shipping and return policies are reasonable (always check first!), you might consider buying online.

Go Easy On the Senses

Choose stores that are well-organized. Department stores and other stores like Bed Bath and Beyond cram as many products as they can into a small space, which results in visual crowding.  Not only will you not find what you want, but you’re more likely to have a meltdown from having to do so much extra work.

Take breaks to eat and drink. A hungry shopper is not a happy shopper.

Avoid stores with harsh fragrance, music, or lights. If you know which entrance of a department store the fragrance counters are at, enter and exit through a different door!

Simplify Your Shopping

Try a personal shopper. Some stores offer a free personal shopper service, and rather than being snooty it makes the shopping experience sane.  You just let the store know you want to stop by and the shopper will put together a few things for you to try on without you having to search the store.  If you explain your sensory needs, they’ll gladly pick out clothing that works for you and show you how to get the most out of your wardrobe.

Get a gift card. When all else fails, get a gift card.  You don’t even have to go to the mall anymore; they have a huge selection at the drugstore.  It’s worth it not to have a meltdown!

(photo: Christopher Chan)
Posted by Sandy on November 16th 2009

Defending Others Vs. Defending Myself From Bullies

gossip

Defending Myself From Bullies

I went to a wedding over the weekend.  I often stress out when it’s with a certain crowd that I’m not very familiar with, and especially when the invitation says black tie (i.e., strict social conventions).  I’ve tried being nice to the people in this crowd, but just can’t get them to see me as a human because 1) they’ve known each other for decades, 2) it’s an ethnically homogeneous crowd and I stick out like a sore thumb, and 3) because of their culture and my Aspergers I’m not as hypersocial as they are.  But did I mention that I’ve tried being friendly?

There was a point when I walked over to a group of people I know well, and a girl led the group in turning their backs on me, leaving me standing by myself.  It wasn’t until my husband came over and saw the situation that they all pretended to be talking to me.

See, this is always how it works with female bullies.  In front of their mothers, or husbands, they pretend to be so nice to me, because they want to be seen as “good girls”.  And their moms do the same.  When my husband isn’t around, they say the meanest things to me.  It’s so confusing until you figure it out, and then when you try to tell someone it can be hard to convince them if they believe that person is nice and you’re misunderstanding something.  It was such a relief to read Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (see sidebar) and see that I was not alone.

At that point I couldn’t bear to stand there and pretend to be their friend, so I left.  Unfortunately at a wedding when you don’t know anyone, the only place to go when you need to get away is the bathroom.  (There is also the bar but I don’t drink.)  I’m convinced that they make fancy lounge/bathrooms at nice wedding venues because so many girls need to hide.  So I sat on a chair with my Blackberry.

On the Other Hand…

Why is it then that I don’t even hesitate to stand up for my dog?  I must have a Mama Bear in there somewhere.

There’s a woman at the farmers market who brings a sour Maltese with a nasty bark.  You can hear this thing snarling and yapping from blocks away!  So we got there yesterday with Molly and the Maltese was there.  Molly never reacts to these things and stood calmly, but the other dog picked up her presence from far away.  Someone behind me in line commented on how amazed she was that my dog was so calm given the situation.

The woman snuck up on us and brought the snarling dog in Molly’s face while I was picking out produce.  I said “NO”, and she said, “Oh, but she’s friendly.”  (Really, a friendly dog would snarl and corner another dog?)  For the record, she has chased me down with this dog before while I ran away telling her not to come near me.

Poor Molly had backed under the table and without thinking I put out my foot to block the Maltese.  Then I shouted at the woman, “I don’t want your dog near my dog!”  The next time she approaches me I won’t hesitate to report her to animal control.

It seems so much easier to defend others from bullies.

(Photo: lenifuzhead)
Posted by Sandy on November 5th 2009

Can You Spot The Inference?

There’s a commercial that’s been bugging me for a long time now because I knew I wasn’t getting something about the dialogue.  The man suggests going on vacation, and the woman keeps saying “we can’t”.  For months I’ve been thinking she is merely protesting or telling him he’s being ridiculous, and I’ve just now figured out that she’s trying to tell him that they can’t go on vacation because she used up their points to buy herself a dress!

This is a classic example of the way I tend to completely misunderstand dialogue.  When people speak in a way that is indirect, overly polite, or unclear, it’s just too easy for autistics to misunderstand.

In the commercial, the “giveaway” is a nonverbal gesture that I always thought  was part of the couple’s dance.  If it were me (and let’s just clarify that I would never go into the points stash without telling my husband!) I would be straight up and say “We can’t because I used them on a dress.”

Did you spot it the first time you watched this commercial?

My problem, I suppose, is that I see this as a series of unrelated events and I can’t figure out how to make them fit together.  I can’t see what the dress has to do with the points or the vacation, so if I were the guy I’d just say “That’s a nice dress, but what does it have to do with any of this?”

What would you have done?

Posted by Sandy on November 2nd 2009

The Things I Saw As A Teacher: Rex

“Rex Doesn’t Do Any Work!”

Although I taught a mainstream classroom, I had quite a few diagnosed and undiagnosed special ed students thrown into the mix.  One of my most memorable students was a third-grader I’ll call Rex, because he had an endearing love of dinosaurs.

My grade partners happened to have taught that class in first and second grade, so they went over my class list with me and gave me the scoop on my kids.  “Oh, you have Rex,” they said.  “He doesn’t do any work.”  They went on to explain that there was something very off about Rex.  ADHD, they wondered?

On the first day of school, my students said the same thing to me.  “Rex did two assignments last year.” “Rex doesn’t do any work!”  And I could see why!  He spent all of his time fussing over his pencils, which seemed to break the second he tried to write with them.  When I went over to talk to him, he was incredibly busy looking at the wall.  So I said “Rex, please look at me.”  He did his best, which meant looking in my general direction but off by a few inches.  Ah, we were in familiar territory now.

Oh, This Looks Familiar

Over the next few months I found that Rex’s behaviors resembled Aspergers symptoms, but since none of the other teachers understood autism he’d gone all this time without getting any help.  He had a tendency to invade others’ personal space during carpet time, so I gave everyone a clearly marked-off square to sit in.  When my back was turned, he would pull out a dinosaur or animal book he’d been hoarding, so I got a giant animal encyclopedia and let him read it in a quiet spot when he finished his work.  He had a tendency to cram everything into his desk and forget about it, so I had him clean his desk at regular intervals and sat him next to a little girl with an organizing compulsion.  I also made him aware of our classroom’s visual schedule, which I caught him looking at every chance he got.

Other teachers told me how amazed they were at his growth in my classroom.  Before he came to me, he was the kid who hid under the table and had daily meltdowns.  Finally he was able to work on grade level and interact with his peers, even if he was still a bit awkward.

I noticed that Rex had a speech issue that no one had paid much attention to, and begged the speech teacher to see him because it was unfairly bringing down his reading levels.  The tests prescribed by the district placed a strong emphasis on fluency, and Rex had a way of speaking that caused him to leave out or whisper certain words.

(After several months of getting stonewalled by the school, the parents finally got an outside diagnosis of Aspergers.)

Schools Should Work With Autism, Not Run From The Dollar Signs

We need more teachers with special needs, because sometimes it takes one to know one.  All of this, the way Rex and I just got each other, was because of who I am.  The school had special autism classes on the same floor, yet no one noticed Rex.  They were content to let him slip through the cracks as just another weird kid who didn’t get it.

This is also why running schools should never be about the bottom line.  I wasn’t allowed to talk to Rex’s parents (or anyone’s parents) about the possibility of testing or special needs, so we had to hide and speak in whispers.  It was cheaper for the school to say these children were just incapable.  What I did is something any parent would hope their child’s teacher would do for them, but should it have to involve putting my job on the line?  And would a parent want a teacher not to do it because job security comes first?  Think about it.

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