Subscribe Via RSSWhy You Need A Mentor At Work
Do you have a mentor at work?
I don’t think I’ll ever forget the teacher next door when I taught 8th grade. Man, she was loud! She could holler from her desk next door and all of my students (who were her students 2 years prior) would cower under their desks. But she had a sixth sense about when I was feeling overwhelmed and could keep everyone in check. I could go running into her room freaking out about something and she would let me know when I was being ridiculous. But when something was really wrong, she would march down to the office and yell at the principal for me. I would never have made it through my first year of teaching middle school without her.
Looking back at all of the jobs where I felt successful and happy, what all of them had in common was that I worked with some kind of mentor. In some cases, the person was meant as a quasi-supervisor because the boss was just too busy to tell me everything I needed to know. In others, it was a coworker who had been doing the job much longer than I had.
I think it’s especially important for an aspie to have a good grasp on what his or her assigned tasks are and to know how to access the things/information they need to get the job done. Too often communication from a supervisor or boss doesn’t come until you’ve done something wrong, so you don’t get a chance to find out ahead of time what you’re actually supposed to do and how to do it! But a good mentor enjoys showing you exactly what you’re supposed to do, how to get ahold of everything you need, and gives you useful feedback – so you don’t have to wait for a higher-up or risk being disciplined for doing something wrong.
Someone who might be a good mentor:
- Is in a higher position than you or has been in the same position as you for much longer – someone who sees you as competition will not help you, and someone who is inexperienced may not know enough or have enough time to help you.
- Should be someone you can trust not to talk about you behind your back
- Has a good relationship with your boss and some influence in the workplace
In all of the situations where I had a mentor with a strong standing in the hierarchy, working with them made up for the fact that I wasn’t able to socialize much with my other coworkers. They knew not to mess with me or risk having my mentor come after them and rat them out to the boss. But when I didn’t have one I was completely on my own and felt very lost. Knowing how important this is now, I’d be more proactive about finding a mentor in the future.
Why Can’t They Understand That I’m A Girl?
There’s a photo of me from my preschool graduation where I’m racing across the stage, clutching the diploma in my little hand. I’m wearing a dress, but that’s just about the only thing about me that says “girl”. I have a boy haircut and they’ve even lined me up with the boys for the ceremony, because god forbid I might mess up the girls’ row of long ringlets and curls. They made me stand in the back with the boys.
My whole life I’ve been amazed at the people, mostly women, who thought it was acceptable for them to be open about judging me for not being girly enough. They thought their gossip wouldn’t come back to me, or they’d just mock me to my face.
I’ll never forget the man I went to church with as a child who flat out told my dad I was ugly and unfeminine. Or the woman who made a comment to a friend about the same thing when I was standing right in front of her. When my parents confronted her, she said I couldn’t possibly know what I was talking about and probably misunderstood. My parents knew better and told her that their child was absolutely intelligent and I knew exactly what I was talking about so she better not insult me again. They explained to me later that she was probably very insecure inside and needed to direct it at someone else. I could see why she was insecure, so I let it go.
Even now, the looks other women give me make me feel self-conscious from time to time about the fact that I don’t wear nail polish or wear much makeup. I don’t like to blow-dry my hair. As much as I like to look at pictures of fashion, I dress for comfort. I dread baby showers and wedding showers, especially those involving “tea” and crown moulding. They make me want to start rocking or flapping.
In a moment of weakness I asked a co-worker about this, and begged her to tell me what I was doing wrong. She laughed at me and told me that if she had nails like mine she wouldn’t wear nail polish either! She showed me how she once injured a nail bed and felt compelled to paint over it for the rest of her life. Her advice was to appreciate the liberation I was blessed with and not let someone pressure me into doing something I don’t want to do.
All the people I’ve ever asked about this have told me the same thing: It’s about other people and their own insecurities. They point fingers at someone who is an easy target because they think it’ll take attention away from themselves. And they claim they are such nice people and I must have misunderstood, because they would never do that to anyone else.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy to just let it go. There are a lot of days when I get tired of letting it go, like when the other women in my building treat me like their little servant because I clearly don’t look or act like one of their peers. I am not a spoiled trust fund baby and draw the line at acting like one just to be accepted. I am me, I am a girl; why is that so hard for people to understand?
What to Say When: Leaving Voice Mail
What To Say When is a feature I’ve been wanting to do for a while! Since I know scripts work really well for me, I thought it would be great to compile them all in one place and share them where you can refer to them easily.
Thanks to Erin Doland (aka the Unclutterer) via Simply Stated for this one.
Here’s a simple formula for leaving a voice mail:
- Your name – slowly and clearly.
- Your phone number – slowly and clearly.
- Repeat your phone number – slowly and clearly.
- If needed, your email address.
- Explain why you are calling.
- Request the action you would like from the person you are calling.
- Hang up.
The reason she gave for having the number at the beginning rather than the end was so the person wouldn’t have to replay a long message to hear the number again. IMO, what matters most is that you say it slowly and clearly enough for the person to make out…if they can’t understand it they’ll never call you back, guaranteed!
(photo | carlo nicora)
“Adam” Gets It Right
I’m not much of a movie person. My husband and I go to the movie theater once a year, sometimes not at all. I get all squirmy inside when I’m forced to watch uncomfortable situations, especially with people around me, and I don’t like made-up stories. So I won’t pretend to do an artistic critique of “Adam” since I can’t even pretend to know anything about movies. Most of the reviews I read beforehand delved just enough into the plot to hint at the story, but really told me nothing about what I really wanted to know, which was: did they really capture the essence of life as an adult with Aspergers?
I was actually pretty surprised at what they managed to do with the movie. They address issues like:
- What happens to an aspie when left all alone in the world?
- Why are employees with Aspergers often punished for overachieving?
- What can an aspie do to get a job?
- What kind of work is best for an aspie?
There are also more subtle references that you might appreciate, like the idea that most people assume only children are autistic. I smiled when a character referenced Liane Holliday Wiley’s book Pretending To Be Normal.
There are moments when Adam and Beth converse and I can completely relate to both perspectives. It’s kind of useful to watch the interactions from the outside, because it helps me process what goes on. There’s a scene where she’s telling him about her hopes and dreams, trying to engage him and get a little encouragement out of him. But he latches on to a tiny detail in what she’s saying and responds to that instead of giving her the emotional reciprocation she wants. A minute later, you can see that while he may not be able to read her intentions, he’s not an unfeeling robot either. You can see how much he needs validation as well when she makes a comment that he misinterprets and he gets upset over the perceived insult.
If you’ve been living the life of an aspie, you probably won’t learn anything groundbreaking by watching “Adam”, but there is something comforting in seeing bits and pieces of your own life on the big screen. Just as no two aspies are 100% identical, there will be mannerisms or behaviors that you might not identify with, but the overarching themes and dilemmas might be something you can relate to.
(By the way, I chose this photo because this is like my husband trying to get my attention…and me totally focused on my laptop. Sorry R. You know I love you.)
Bits And Pieces
Oh, I give in. I’m going to see “Adam” this weekend and then write up a review…you know you’ll be waiting on the edge of your chair for that one. Until then, here’s the review from my local paper. And here’s another one. I can breathe a sigh of relief that Philadelphians weren’t exposed to the same rubbish that last week’s reviewer wrote.
And I was a guest blogger today on Informal Matriarch. Leah has a young son with autism and hyperlexia, and she is just embarking on her long journey with autism. Her fearless attitude and willingness to embrace her son’s autism really endeared her to me, so when she needed a guest blogger I was more than happy to share some thoughts on hyperlexia. I’m slated for one more post next week, so if you have any ideas or suggestions just send over a comment or tweet!