Subscribe Via RSS“Adam” Gets It Right
I’m not much of a movie person. My husband and I go to the movie theater once a year, sometimes not at all. I get all squirmy inside when I’m forced to watch uncomfortable situations, especially with people around me, and I don’t like made-up stories. So I won’t pretend to do an artistic critique of “Adam” since I can’t even pretend to know anything about movies. Most of the reviews I read beforehand delved just enough into the plot to hint at the story, but really told me nothing about what I really wanted to know, which was: did they really capture the essence of life as an adult with Aspergers?
I was actually pretty surprised at what they managed to do with the movie. They address issues like:
- What happens to an aspie when left all alone in the world?
- Why are employees with Aspergers often punished for overachieving?
- What can an aspie do to get a job?
- What kind of work is best for an aspie?
There are also more subtle references that you might appreciate, like the idea that most people assume only children are autistic. I smiled when a character referenced Liane Holliday Wiley’s book Pretending To Be Normal.
There are moments when Adam and Beth converse and I can completely relate to both perspectives. It’s kind of useful to watch the interactions from the outside, because it helps me process what goes on. There’s a scene where she’s telling him about her hopes and dreams, trying to engage him and get a little encouragement out of him. But he latches on to a tiny detail in what she’s saying and responds to that instead of giving her the emotional reciprocation she wants. A minute later, you can see that while he may not be able to read her intentions, he’s not an unfeeling robot either. You can see how much he needs validation as well when she makes a comment that he misinterprets and he gets upset over the perceived insult.
If you’ve been living the life of an aspie, you probably won’t learn anything groundbreaking by watching “Adam”, but there is something comforting in seeing bits and pieces of your own life on the big screen. Just as no two aspies are 100% identical, there will be mannerisms or behaviors that you might not identify with, but the overarching themes and dilemmas might be something you can relate to.
(By the way, I chose this photo because this is like my husband trying to get my attention…and me totally focused on my laptop. Sorry R. You know I love you.)
Bits And Pieces
Oh, I give in. I’m going to see “Adam” this weekend and then write up a review…you know you’ll be waiting on the edge of your chair for that one. Until then, here’s the review from my local paper. And here’s another one. I can breathe a sigh of relief that Philadelphians weren’t exposed to the same rubbish that last week’s reviewer wrote.
And I was a guest blogger today on Informal Matriarch. Leah has a young son with autism and hyperlexia, and she is just embarking on her long journey with autism. Her fearless attitude and willingness to embrace her son’s autism really endeared her to me, so when she needed a guest blogger I was more than happy to share some thoughts on hyperlexia. I’m slated for one more post next week, so if you have any ideas or suggestions just send over a comment or tweet!
Dealing With City And Apartment Noises
If you have sensitive hearing like I do, then you might know how trying it can be to live in an apartment or in the city. Maybe it’s garbage trucks that get you, or car alarms, or noisy neighbors.
I liked Apartment Therapy’s article yesterday on Good Questions: Sound Proofing an Apartment from Street Noise? The most common solutions readers gave included modifying the windows (which doesn’t have to involve actually replacing the windows), hanging heavy drapes or wall hangings, or turning on a fan or a/c.
These fixes don’t have to cost a fortune and can help you feel like you have some control over the situation, which goes a long way.
photo | stuck in customs
How Do Aspies Make Parenting Work?
I’ve been so amazed at the response to my previous post about aspies in relationships! Okay, now that I’ve found you guys, I have a question for you. Those of you who’ve been married for a while or have been married, do you have kids?
In a perfect world I would have lots of farm land and a whole herd of Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, Bichons, and Cocker Spaniels for Molly to play with. And a big meaty bulldog named Angus for R to drag around. Not sure about the kids, though.
How did you raise kids and keep your sanity and relationship intact? Or did you choose not to? (I know some of you have answered a question like this before…if you don’t mind I’d love to hear your thoughts again!) If you’re not at that point in life yet, do you think you’ll ever have kids?
Perpetuating Myths About Autism
Now that “Adam” is making its way into theaters, every day seems to bring another review and another chance to hold my breath and hope the movie doesn’t sound too insulting. It never occurred to me that in this day and age, a movie reviewer would go out of his way to describe Aspergers in the most un-PC way thinkable.
I was wrong.
After reading Rex Reed’s review of Adam, it took me a while to scoop my jaw off the floor. It was this passage in the review that had me reeling:
Far from just another exotic Disease of the Week, Asperger’s is an incurable neurological disorder similar to autism that turns outwardly normal-looking people into high-class idiot savants. I know at least two people with Asperger’s. They are incapable of thinking of anyone or anything outside of themselves…It is lethal to get involved romantically with any person with Asperger’s syndrome, since they care nothing about other people’s feelings, needs or priorities. Almost without exception, they leave you perplexed, riddled with doubt and totally depressed.
I’ve made an effort not to publicly take sides on various controversies, but Reed’s statement that romantic relationships with people on the spectrum were “lethal” used unnecessarily strong language to put down an entire group of people.
As you all know, I’m 1) aspie and 2) happily married to a husband who is NT, mostly by virtue of not having an AS diagnosis.
R and I are the best of friends, and there’s nothing that we’re not able to laugh at together. We’re a great team because one person can sense when the other is struggling and find a way to support them. R knows to be alert for situations that might cause sensory meltdowns for me, and I know that he needs a little extra prompting to keep up with meaningful interactions at home. Did we have to work to get here? Yes! Relationships are always work! But lethal, I would say most certainly not.
I have friends on the spectrum who are in happy, successful relationships, and far more NT friends who struggle to find and stay in even one stable romantic relationship. Just as there are NTs who do well in relationships and aspies who struggle.
One of my initial reservations about “Adam” when I saw the trailer was the fact that the girl’s family seemed opposed to the idea of her dating man with Aspergers. It made me uncomfortable to think people would be given serious exposure to this concept, even if it was portrayed as an injustice. Just the mere exposure was enough to turn me off, but I thought people could at least watch the movie and make the judgement that such prejudice was wrong. I really never believed anyone would have the nerve to perpetuate that myth.
P.S. – Please take a minute to read another take on the review over at Spectrum Siblings.
Kitchen Safety: Preventing Slips and Slices
Always use a serrated (with teeth) knife when chopping tomatoes or anything else remotely rounded or slippery! I keep my Wustof knives fairly sharp, yet once a week somehow the knife slips and slices my fingers. I do not need to illustrate this with a photo of my finger, nor do you wish to see one. Just trust me on this.
One of the steps I’m taking (more to come later) is resorting to using steak knives to cut tomatoes. It pulls at the skin of the tomato more than I’d like, but the teeth on the knife are much less likely to slip or cut my fingers.
A serrated steak knife looks something like this:
(photo | adam mulligan)
And interestingly, Williams-Sonoma sells a Tomato Knife that looks like this:
One day I’ll learn better knife skills…but for now I’ll just find safer cutting devices!
Remembering the Big Picture in Conversation
For a long time I had a hard time understanding the phrase “not seeing the forest for the trees”. What I take from it is that it has something to do with focusing on the details instead of the big picture.
It took me so long to learn that I’ve been doing this in conversation, and I think it’s pretty common with Aspergers. As a person talked to me, something they said would trigger an association and before I could stop myself I would comment on the association. Like this:
“We can go see that movie you’ve been wanting to see and then get some ice cream across the street.”
“Eww, why would I want ice cream from there? That place is disgusting.”
Hopefully I wouldn’t really say it like that. But do you see what happened there? The other person’s intention was to invite me out for an activity they thought I would like. I completely missed it, though, because all I could focus on was the ice cream place – not liking – repulsion association.
A long time later, it would occur to me that I had done this, but by then the other person would already think I was selfish and self-centered when I really didn’t mean anything like that.
It helps me to take more time to process and work things out in my head before I respond to people. When I can remember, I try to ask myself, “What’s the big picture? What is this person trying to tell me?” It takes a lot of practice and I can’t prevent every misunderstanding, but hopefully I’m getting a little better at seeing the forest in addition to the trees.